First Dragon of 2013. Hopefully not the last.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Friday, January 25, 2013
Body Image A-Ha
I have always had a skewed image of my body. This isn't unusual, I don't think, but it is a shame.
When I was 12 and going through puberty, I used to wish for hips. Be careful what you ask for, kids! It was shortly after that when I developed the idea that I was too fat.
At 13, I was my full height of 5'1-3/4" and I weighed 111 lbs. I remember being completely destroyed that I was so fat. Not one of the adults in my life clued me in to the fact that 111 lbs is not fat or unattractive or shameful. I know this now, but I didn't then. I have held a negative body image from that day forward.
Needless to say, at my ripe old age of 41 and after having a child late in life, I weigh a whole lot more than 111 lbs. I never imagined I could even weigh as much as I do now, or be so uncomfortable in clothing (or without clothing, come to think of it). I have a new pressure to get my shit together because I do not want to demonstrate a terrible body image to my daughter. I want her to have a healthy attitude toward herself. I'd better get happy about myself fast before she notices, and by "get happy" I mean "get skinnier".
The other day I had an epiphany that brought this into the right perspective. I don't have to be skinnier to be happy. I need to be happy with this thing at any size, and always work toward health. I need to exercise because all humans need to exercise to stay strong. I need to eat right because all humans need to eat right to feel good and be healthy. What I really want for her is self-acceptance and healthy goals, not to think she has to be skinny to be happy.
I've had it all wrong all this time, and now that I have her as my mirror, I can see that clearly. She is watching me be my own worst enemy, and that is definitely not a pattern I'd like to perpetuate.
When I was 12 and going through puberty, I used to wish for hips. Be careful what you ask for, kids! It was shortly after that when I developed the idea that I was too fat.
At 13, I was my full height of 5'1-3/4" and I weighed 111 lbs. I remember being completely destroyed that I was so fat. Not one of the adults in my life clued me in to the fact that 111 lbs is not fat or unattractive or shameful. I know this now, but I didn't then. I have held a negative body image from that day forward.
Needless to say, at my ripe old age of 41 and after having a child late in life, I weigh a whole lot more than 111 lbs. I never imagined I could even weigh as much as I do now, or be so uncomfortable in clothing (or without clothing, come to think of it). I have a new pressure to get my shit together because I do not want to demonstrate a terrible body image to my daughter. I want her to have a healthy attitude toward herself. I'd better get happy about myself fast before she notices, and by "get happy" I mean "get skinnier".
The other day I had an epiphany that brought this into the right perspective. I don't have to be skinnier to be happy. I need to be happy with this thing at any size, and always work toward health. I need to exercise because all humans need to exercise to stay strong. I need to eat right because all humans need to eat right to feel good and be healthy. What I really want for her is self-acceptance and healthy goals, not to think she has to be skinny to be happy.
I've had it all wrong all this time, and now that I have her as my mirror, I can see that clearly. She is watching me be my own worst enemy, and that is definitely not a pattern I'd like to perpetuate.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Road to Recovery
Sometime the most obvious answer is right under your nose and you don't see it until someone points it out. This is my experience with getting the sleep train back on the tracks.
A friend of mine told me to just remove myself from the bad sleep situation. What? Oh yeah, right, sounds so easy when stated like that. But I thought about the wisdom of it. That's when it occurred to me. I am the problem here. I am not getting too much help from my sleepmates, but when left to their own devices, they sleep peacefully for hours and hours. When they are subjected to my messy mind, they jump right into the insomniac fray.
So I made myself a cozy nest in our cozy basement cave. It didn't matter that these are the coldest days of the year because I had a little heater and lots of soft, warm blankets. As soon as the plan came together I immediately relaxed. I slept for 5 straight hours, woke up, got back to sleep again and slept some more, all the way until morning.
When I woke up that first night, I was transformed into a new woman. Everything seemed a little brighter and happier and hopeful. Things aren't so wrong. There's nothing to fear. It's all ok! I still have the ability to relax and sleep! It was right there the whole time - the answer that my mind was wound too tight to remember. I felt a little silly that I let it go on so long.
I wanted to sleep down there forever in the dark solitary womb, but I knew I had to return to my regular bed and my regular role. It's ok though because when I did return, I was relaxed and things changed. My people didn't interrupt me at all. A didn't even stir until 5am, several nights in a row (unheard of!). I'm still waking up at 3:30am, but I am not freaking out and I'm getting back to sleep until the proper wake-up time.
I don't know if I'll be able to sleep 8 hours in a row regularly for a while, or maybe ever. I will happily settle for this, though. A good chunk of deep, relaxing, oxygenated sleep and some cuddling with my people. We're all happier when Mama is calm. Delusions and anxiety are such a beast.
A friend of mine told me to just remove myself from the bad sleep situation. What? Oh yeah, right, sounds so easy when stated like that. But I thought about the wisdom of it. That's when it occurred to me. I am the problem here. I am not getting too much help from my sleepmates, but when left to their own devices, they sleep peacefully for hours and hours. When they are subjected to my messy mind, they jump right into the insomniac fray.
So I made myself a cozy nest in our cozy basement cave. It didn't matter that these are the coldest days of the year because I had a little heater and lots of soft, warm blankets. As soon as the plan came together I immediately relaxed. I slept for 5 straight hours, woke up, got back to sleep again and slept some more, all the way until morning.
When I woke up that first night, I was transformed into a new woman. Everything seemed a little brighter and happier and hopeful. Things aren't so wrong. There's nothing to fear. It's all ok! I still have the ability to relax and sleep! It was right there the whole time - the answer that my mind was wound too tight to remember. I felt a little silly that I let it go on so long.
I wanted to sleep down there forever in the dark solitary womb, but I knew I had to return to my regular bed and my regular role. It's ok though because when I did return, I was relaxed and things changed. My people didn't interrupt me at all. A didn't even stir until 5am, several nights in a row (unheard of!). I'm still waking up at 3:30am, but I am not freaking out and I'm getting back to sleep until the proper wake-up time.
I don't know if I'll be able to sleep 8 hours in a row regularly for a while, or maybe ever. I will happily settle for this, though. A good chunk of deep, relaxing, oxygenated sleep and some cuddling with my people. We're all happier when Mama is calm. Delusions and anxiety are such a beast.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Sleep Freaks 2013 Edition
Oh how I wish for the halcyon days of sleeping two shifts of 3-4 hours each. I am a wreck, people. I'm going on week 4 of sleeping for 2-4 hours and then being up for the rest of the night. I'm cracking up! I have no patience, I feel anti-social and J will tell you that I am very hard to get along with. When will it end?
I've tried many things. Keeping everyone out of the room: still wake up and stay up. Melatonin: big disappointment. Keeping the CPAP mask on: works great for 3 hours. Advil PM: no dice. ZzzzzQuil: works ok but has a hangover effect. Visualizations: my mind can't concentrate for a minute straight. Two things that have worked well in the past - Hylands Calms Forte and Tylenol PM - are nowhere to be found in the stores. What the hell? I've even tried changing my diet, thinking that perhaps my food allergies are getting back at me in new and unique ways. I don't know what to do!
I really want to avoid the hard drugs, like Ambien or Lunesta, because of their side effects and risk of dependency. What I can say about my current condition is that I'm amped, which allows me to get my work done and take care of business around the house. If I took the drugs, I'd be groggy the next day and I can't afford that. I need to train myself back to normal somehow rather than rely on a crutch.
I go back to see the Sleep Doctor in February (the guy is booked out months in advance - not too helpful for my day-to-day). I'm sure I will hear all about my apparent severe sleep apnea, which I am resigned to having and treating. But what I want to know is how to stay asleep. I used to do it, but I forgot how. Will he help with that?
Sleep deprivation does funny things to you, and for me, it just makes me worry more. I was accustomed to waking up once to use the bathroom or comfort A, but I could drift back peacefully. Now I am instantly anxious that I can't sleep, and that keeps me up. I hope I don't go crazy!
J is up to his usual tricks, despite my pleas for a more normal nighttime. He does what he wants, which means he comes to bed at 3:30 or 4 now. I don't know how that man survives on such little sleep, but he does get to sleep in a lot more than I do.
A is doing some strange sleep things now too. Naturally, I blame myself first. I think that my freaky amped-up insomniac energy is getting her worked up, and maybe that's partly it. Maybe she's just a developing two year old, though. She's rebelled against her peaceful afternoon nap. We're not giving it up just yet, though, because she clearly still needs one judging from her exhausted behavior in the late afternoon if she misses it. She's also waking up in the wee hours demanding to get up, play and read books. A little early morning party time, if you will. That's not going to work for her, though. Even if I never sleep again, she will have to. So we have that extra added excitement.
I'm contemplating going back to my regular doctor to get some blood work or something. What if there's something seriously out of whack in my body causing this disturbance? It's likely just stress but I feel compelled to look at it from all angles. I might even pay out-of-pocket and go back to the naturopath, even though I can't really afford that right now.
Mama needs some sleep! If Mama cracks up, this whole house of cards comes tumbling down, and I can't afford that either.
I've tried many things. Keeping everyone out of the room: still wake up and stay up. Melatonin: big disappointment. Keeping the CPAP mask on: works great for 3 hours. Advil PM: no dice. ZzzzzQuil: works ok but has a hangover effect. Visualizations: my mind can't concentrate for a minute straight. Two things that have worked well in the past - Hylands Calms Forte and Tylenol PM - are nowhere to be found in the stores. What the hell? I've even tried changing my diet, thinking that perhaps my food allergies are getting back at me in new and unique ways. I don't know what to do!
I really want to avoid the hard drugs, like Ambien or Lunesta, because of their side effects and risk of dependency. What I can say about my current condition is that I'm amped, which allows me to get my work done and take care of business around the house. If I took the drugs, I'd be groggy the next day and I can't afford that. I need to train myself back to normal somehow rather than rely on a crutch.
I go back to see the Sleep Doctor in February (the guy is booked out months in advance - not too helpful for my day-to-day). I'm sure I will hear all about my apparent severe sleep apnea, which I am resigned to having and treating. But what I want to know is how to stay asleep. I used to do it, but I forgot how. Will he help with that?
Sleep deprivation does funny things to you, and for me, it just makes me worry more. I was accustomed to waking up once to use the bathroom or comfort A, but I could drift back peacefully. Now I am instantly anxious that I can't sleep, and that keeps me up. I hope I don't go crazy!
J is up to his usual tricks, despite my pleas for a more normal nighttime. He does what he wants, which means he comes to bed at 3:30 or 4 now. I don't know how that man survives on such little sleep, but he does get to sleep in a lot more than I do.
A is doing some strange sleep things now too. Naturally, I blame myself first. I think that my freaky amped-up insomniac energy is getting her worked up, and maybe that's partly it. Maybe she's just a developing two year old, though. She's rebelled against her peaceful afternoon nap. We're not giving it up just yet, though, because she clearly still needs one judging from her exhausted behavior in the late afternoon if she misses it. She's also waking up in the wee hours demanding to get up, play and read books. A little early morning party time, if you will. That's not going to work for her, though. Even if I never sleep again, she will have to. So we have that extra added excitement.
I'm contemplating going back to my regular doctor to get some blood work or something. What if there's something seriously out of whack in my body causing this disturbance? It's likely just stress but I feel compelled to look at it from all angles. I might even pay out-of-pocket and go back to the naturopath, even though I can't really afford that right now.
Mama needs some sleep! If Mama cracks up, this whole house of cards comes tumbling down, and I can't afford that either.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Saturday, December 29, 2012
I Did It!
In January of 2012, I made a commitment to my creative self to write a blog post at least once a week (or 4x/month). I'm happy to say that I kept that commitment throughout the year, and even wrote a little more than expected.
With all that goes on in my daily, weekly, monthly life what gets neglected the most is me. I don't eat right, I don't take very good care of my body, I sure as hell don't sleep enough, and I don't honor who I am as a creative, inspired human being. I forget that I am also someone other than a wife, mama, daughter, friend or employee with a task list a mile and a half long. I don't totally forget, but it's just not a priority to take time out to really remember that my life is more than a task list.
This blog thing was in an effort to keep remembering who I am, and remembering that I have relevant thoughts sometimes. I'm pretty proud of it. I feel that other than raising my daughter and keeping my life (more or less) on the rails, that this is my most important accomplishment of the year.
Hooray for me! I don't have a lot of huge victories to celebrate these days, so it's these little ones that really, really matter.
I think I'll keep it up. See you in 2013!
With all that goes on in my daily, weekly, monthly life what gets neglected the most is me. I don't eat right, I don't take very good care of my body, I sure as hell don't sleep enough, and I don't honor who I am as a creative, inspired human being. I forget that I am also someone other than a wife, mama, daughter, friend or employee with a task list a mile and a half long. I don't totally forget, but it's just not a priority to take time out to really remember that my life is more than a task list.
This blog thing was in an effort to keep remembering who I am, and remembering that I have relevant thoughts sometimes. I'm pretty proud of it. I feel that other than raising my daughter and keeping my life (more or less) on the rails, that this is my most important accomplishment of the year.
Hooray for me! I don't have a lot of huge victories to celebrate these days, so it's these little ones that really, really matter.
I think I'll keep it up. See you in 2013!
Friday, December 21, 2012
Oh December, You Are On Fire!
My goodness this has been an intense month! Aside from the usual holiday madness (doubled or tripled in crazy since the birth of A), this has been one nutballs of a December. And by nutballs I mean totally overwhelming and really, not that great, depending on your view. My mind is spinning so quickly I haven't had one quiet moment to record my thoughts. I'll try to articulate the mish-mash here, for what it's worth.
1. Work Life Ugh. I went to work for this small, magical creative company almost 7 years ago. It's crazypants and some of the processes are questionably healthy, but overall I love the people I work with and I love the work I've done there.
Times are a-changin', and this month it's been really apparent that we aren't in Kansas anymore since our company was acquired. We no longer have the freedom to do what we do how we need to do it, and that chokes the magic out of it. Without magic, it's just all about money, and that's a sad way to spend a good part of my energy every week. Still, I need a job, and I want to buckle down and believe, so for now, I stay put.
2. The Shootings. I have so much rant built up about how I feel about recent events, but the ranting is just going to stir the negativity pot, so I will spare you. The mass shootings that have happened this month have caused a palpable nationwide anxiousness. It makes the world look dangerous, desperate and sad. I have had to try hard to remember that the world you experience is what you make it, and at the same time, how am I going to raise a happy, secure human in the midst of the mess it appears to be?
And the gun debate is raging like never before. I got into it again today on Facebook, and in considering all the sides that were presented, it all boiled down to this: NO ONE wants children, or anyone, to be murdered senselessly on the street, in the mall or in their classroom. We all want safety for our families and friends and communities.
There are lots of opinions about how to go about it, and the only way we solve problems is to stay cool. There will never be total agreement but if something is not done, by all of us collectively, the world is going to look a lot different for my baby girl. This is hugely sad and disappointing for me. I'd like to think that humans can get over themselves, but maybe we are just animals after all.
3. The Flu. We all got the flu. I had the most disgusting case of the flu that I think I have ever experienced, and I am going to spare you all the details but believe me when I say that I'm just glad I've known J for a long, long time and that it wasn't our first date. He not only had to witness it, but he got stomach flu + regular flu and was laid out for a good part of the week. It is just downright wrong in all ways to be that sick and have to take care of your offspring at the same time. It's in the fine print of the parenting contract, I guess.
4. And then, the usual Holiday Madness, which always leads me to question "Why do we do this?". I totally get the whole giving, loving your family business, but why all the stuff? I halfway think that if I did lose all my stuff in a flood or a fire, I would only really miss a fraction of it. Too much stuff piling up! Stuff takes away from the whole point of the holiday!
I can complain about work and politics and the flu and shopping, but nothing else matters but this:
I am so grateful and blessed to live this life, to have the happiness that I have, and to be surrounded by such amazing, generous and loving people. Every day I pray that all living beings have the happiness and good fortune that I enjoy in this world. The essence of our life is in every moment we spend giving our heart to those around us, because the world really, really needs that in times like this.
Peace, blog readers.
1. Work Life Ugh. I went to work for this small, magical creative company almost 7 years ago. It's crazypants and some of the processes are questionably healthy, but overall I love the people I work with and I love the work I've done there.
Times are a-changin', and this month it's been really apparent that we aren't in Kansas anymore since our company was acquired. We no longer have the freedom to do what we do how we need to do it, and that chokes the magic out of it. Without magic, it's just all about money, and that's a sad way to spend a good part of my energy every week. Still, I need a job, and I want to buckle down and believe, so for now, I stay put.
2. The Shootings. I have so much rant built up about how I feel about recent events, but the ranting is just going to stir the negativity pot, so I will spare you. The mass shootings that have happened this month have caused a palpable nationwide anxiousness. It makes the world look dangerous, desperate and sad. I have had to try hard to remember that the world you experience is what you make it, and at the same time, how am I going to raise a happy, secure human in the midst of the mess it appears to be?
And the gun debate is raging like never before. I got into it again today on Facebook, and in considering all the sides that were presented, it all boiled down to this: NO ONE wants children, or anyone, to be murdered senselessly on the street, in the mall or in their classroom. We all want safety for our families and friends and communities.
There are lots of opinions about how to go about it, and the only way we solve problems is to stay cool. There will never be total agreement but if something is not done, by all of us collectively, the world is going to look a lot different for my baby girl. This is hugely sad and disappointing for me. I'd like to think that humans can get over themselves, but maybe we are just animals after all.
3. The Flu. We all got the flu. I had the most disgusting case of the flu that I think I have ever experienced, and I am going to spare you all the details but believe me when I say that I'm just glad I've known J for a long, long time and that it wasn't our first date. He not only had to witness it, but he got stomach flu + regular flu and was laid out for a good part of the week. It is just downright wrong in all ways to be that sick and have to take care of your offspring at the same time. It's in the fine print of the parenting contract, I guess.
4. And then, the usual Holiday Madness, which always leads me to question "Why do we do this?". I totally get the whole giving, loving your family business, but why all the stuff? I halfway think that if I did lose all my stuff in a flood or a fire, I would only really miss a fraction of it. Too much stuff piling up! Stuff takes away from the whole point of the holiday!
I can complain about work and politics and the flu and shopping, but nothing else matters but this:
I am so grateful and blessed to live this life, to have the happiness that I have, and to be surrounded by such amazing, generous and loving people. Every day I pray that all living beings have the happiness and good fortune that I enjoy in this world. The essence of our life is in every moment we spend giving our heart to those around us, because the world really, really needs that in times like this.
Peace, blog readers.
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