In January of 2012, I made a commitment to my creative self to write a blog post at least once a week (or 4x/month). I'm happy to say that I kept that commitment throughout the year, and even wrote a little more than expected.
With all that goes on in my daily, weekly, monthly life what gets neglected the most is me. I don't eat right, I don't take very good care of my body, I sure as hell don't sleep enough, and I don't honor who I am as a creative, inspired human being. I forget that I am also someone other than a wife, mama, daughter, friend or employee with a task list a mile and a half long. I don't totally forget, but it's just not a priority to take time out to really remember that my life is more than a task list.
This blog thing was in an effort to keep remembering who I am, and remembering that I have relevant thoughts sometimes. I'm pretty proud of it. I feel that other than raising my daughter and keeping my life (more or less) on the rails, that this is my most important accomplishment of the year.
Hooray for me! I don't have a lot of huge victories to celebrate these days, so it's these little ones that really, really matter.
I think I'll keep it up. See you in 2013!
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Friday, December 21, 2012
Oh December, You Are On Fire!
My goodness this has been an intense month! Aside from the usual holiday madness (doubled or tripled in crazy since the birth of A), this has been one nutballs of a December. And by nutballs I mean totally overwhelming and really, not that great, depending on your view. My mind is spinning so quickly I haven't had one quiet moment to record my thoughts. I'll try to articulate the mish-mash here, for what it's worth.
1. Work Life Ugh. I went to work for this small, magical creative company almost 7 years ago. It's crazypants and some of the processes are questionably healthy, but overall I love the people I work with and I love the work I've done there.
Times are a-changin', and this month it's been really apparent that we aren't in Kansas anymore since our company was acquired. We no longer have the freedom to do what we do how we need to do it, and that chokes the magic out of it. Without magic, it's just all about money, and that's a sad way to spend a good part of my energy every week. Still, I need a job, and I want to buckle down and believe, so for now, I stay put.
2. The Shootings. I have so much rant built up about how I feel about recent events, but the ranting is just going to stir the negativity pot, so I will spare you. The mass shootings that have happened this month have caused a palpable nationwide anxiousness. It makes the world look dangerous, desperate and sad. I have had to try hard to remember that the world you experience is what you make it, and at the same time, how am I going to raise a happy, secure human in the midst of the mess it appears to be?
And the gun debate is raging like never before. I got into it again today on Facebook, and in considering all the sides that were presented, it all boiled down to this: NO ONE wants children, or anyone, to be murdered senselessly on the street, in the mall or in their classroom. We all want safety for our families and friends and communities.
There are lots of opinions about how to go about it, and the only way we solve problems is to stay cool. There will never be total agreement but if something is not done, by all of us collectively, the world is going to look a lot different for my baby girl. This is hugely sad and disappointing for me. I'd like to think that humans can get over themselves, but maybe we are just animals after all.
3. The Flu. We all got the flu. I had the most disgusting case of the flu that I think I have ever experienced, and I am going to spare you all the details but believe me when I say that I'm just glad I've known J for a long, long time and that it wasn't our first date. He not only had to witness it, but he got stomach flu + regular flu and was laid out for a good part of the week. It is just downright wrong in all ways to be that sick and have to take care of your offspring at the same time. It's in the fine print of the parenting contract, I guess.
4. And then, the usual Holiday Madness, which always leads me to question "Why do we do this?". I totally get the whole giving, loving your family business, but why all the stuff? I halfway think that if I did lose all my stuff in a flood or a fire, I would only really miss a fraction of it. Too much stuff piling up! Stuff takes away from the whole point of the holiday!
I can complain about work and politics and the flu and shopping, but nothing else matters but this:
I am so grateful and blessed to live this life, to have the happiness that I have, and to be surrounded by such amazing, generous and loving people. Every day I pray that all living beings have the happiness and good fortune that I enjoy in this world. The essence of our life is in every moment we spend giving our heart to those around us, because the world really, really needs that in times like this.
Peace, blog readers.
1. Work Life Ugh. I went to work for this small, magical creative company almost 7 years ago. It's crazypants and some of the processes are questionably healthy, but overall I love the people I work with and I love the work I've done there.
Times are a-changin', and this month it's been really apparent that we aren't in Kansas anymore since our company was acquired. We no longer have the freedom to do what we do how we need to do it, and that chokes the magic out of it. Without magic, it's just all about money, and that's a sad way to spend a good part of my energy every week. Still, I need a job, and I want to buckle down and believe, so for now, I stay put.
2. The Shootings. I have so much rant built up about how I feel about recent events, but the ranting is just going to stir the negativity pot, so I will spare you. The mass shootings that have happened this month have caused a palpable nationwide anxiousness. It makes the world look dangerous, desperate and sad. I have had to try hard to remember that the world you experience is what you make it, and at the same time, how am I going to raise a happy, secure human in the midst of the mess it appears to be?
And the gun debate is raging like never before. I got into it again today on Facebook, and in considering all the sides that were presented, it all boiled down to this: NO ONE wants children, or anyone, to be murdered senselessly on the street, in the mall or in their classroom. We all want safety for our families and friends and communities.
There are lots of opinions about how to go about it, and the only way we solve problems is to stay cool. There will never be total agreement but if something is not done, by all of us collectively, the world is going to look a lot different for my baby girl. This is hugely sad and disappointing for me. I'd like to think that humans can get over themselves, but maybe we are just animals after all.
3. The Flu. We all got the flu. I had the most disgusting case of the flu that I think I have ever experienced, and I am going to spare you all the details but believe me when I say that I'm just glad I've known J for a long, long time and that it wasn't our first date. He not only had to witness it, but he got stomach flu + regular flu and was laid out for a good part of the week. It is just downright wrong in all ways to be that sick and have to take care of your offspring at the same time. It's in the fine print of the parenting contract, I guess.
4. And then, the usual Holiday Madness, which always leads me to question "Why do we do this?". I totally get the whole giving, loving your family business, but why all the stuff? I halfway think that if I did lose all my stuff in a flood or a fire, I would only really miss a fraction of it. Too much stuff piling up! Stuff takes away from the whole point of the holiday!
I can complain about work and politics and the flu and shopping, but nothing else matters but this:
I am so grateful and blessed to live this life, to have the happiness that I have, and to be surrounded by such amazing, generous and loving people. Every day I pray that all living beings have the happiness and good fortune that I enjoy in this world. The essence of our life is in every moment we spend giving our heart to those around us, because the world really, really needs that in times like this.
Peace, blog readers.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Dare to Dream
Last night, I decided to take a different approach to my "what if" thoughts. I shoved all the tragedy out of my mind, and decided to think about "what if everything turns out just fine?".
I went into the future, like Nicholas Cage did in one of my favorite movies, Raising Arizona. I imagined how A might be in various stages of her life, growing up happy and healthy and adorable, of course. I imagined her going to good schools, being a good person and having lots of friends. I imagined a marriage that got stronger and more peaceful and lasted. I imagined that I was able to keep my work flexible and meaningful, and that J had work that he liked and that was secure. I imagined that all of our people were happy and healthy too. (While I was at it, I imagined that I got back into great shape and was super foxy. I mean, why not, right?)
Sleep was welcoming, deep and relaxing. I even dreamed that I had a new job opportunity.
I often feel that if I let myself go wild and think this way, I will end up being disappointed or that I somehow won't be prepared when bad things do happen. Maybe that's a little bit silly, though. There is absolutely no harm in dreaming about what you really want, or asking for good things to happen. How else can good things happen if there's no room in your mind to let them in?
Certainly, it's good to be vigilant and preventative wherever you can, but it's no good for anxiety to be the boss.
I went into the future, like Nicholas Cage did in one of my favorite movies, Raising Arizona. I imagined how A might be in various stages of her life, growing up happy and healthy and adorable, of course. I imagined her going to good schools, being a good person and having lots of friends. I imagined a marriage that got stronger and more peaceful and lasted. I imagined that I was able to keep my work flexible and meaningful, and that J had work that he liked and that was secure. I imagined that all of our people were happy and healthy too. (While I was at it, I imagined that I got back into great shape and was super foxy. I mean, why not, right?)
Sleep was welcoming, deep and relaxing. I even dreamed that I had a new job opportunity.
I often feel that if I let myself go wild and think this way, I will end up being disappointed or that I somehow won't be prepared when bad things do happen. Maybe that's a little bit silly, though. There is absolutely no harm in dreaming about what you really want, or asking for good things to happen. How else can good things happen if there's no room in your mind to let them in?
Certainly, it's good to be vigilant and preventative wherever you can, but it's no good for anxiety to be the boss.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Worst Case Scenario
I do this bad thing before I go to sleep at night. I think about all the horrible tragedies that could befall my little family, specifically regarding A.
It starts with any worries I might have had during the day, like maybe she's sick or maybe it's really windy and I'm worried about the trees falling on the house. It escalates from there. I start thinking about all the things that could conceivably happen but probably never will.
What if the tree falls on her room and traps or kills her? What if it falls on me and I can't get to her? What if I die and she has to live without me? What if someone kidnaps her when she's not with me? What if she stops breathing or has a heart attack? What if I get in a terrible car accident while she's in the car? I mean, it gets really ridiculous and it gets me really worked up into an anxious whir. Totally useless thinking and very counterproductive to relaxing into sleep.
My friend says that his wife does the same thing and he thinks it's a biological mama bear thing. He says that it's gotten better for her over time, and as the child is more able to function independently. He says that having a toddler is just harrowing, period. I hope that he's right, and that this is just a temporary phase for me, but because it really stinks. I don't have enough energy to waste on such negativity.
The one and only benefit to this is that it gets me thinking about my Guru and saying prayers. At least that is one time out of my day that I am thinking about virtue. I used to think about it all the time and keep my mind in an upward swing, but my mindfulness is shot these days. So I guess this is an opportunity for transformation and I should use it as my spiritual practice.
The worst thing that could happen would be that I just succumb to huge anxiety and depression, which I don't intend to do. Weird times, though. Weird times.
It starts with any worries I might have had during the day, like maybe she's sick or maybe it's really windy and I'm worried about the trees falling on the house. It escalates from there. I start thinking about all the things that could conceivably happen but probably never will.
What if the tree falls on her room and traps or kills her? What if it falls on me and I can't get to her? What if I die and she has to live without me? What if someone kidnaps her when she's not with me? What if she stops breathing or has a heart attack? What if I get in a terrible car accident while she's in the car? I mean, it gets really ridiculous and it gets me really worked up into an anxious whir. Totally useless thinking and very counterproductive to relaxing into sleep.
My friend says that his wife does the same thing and he thinks it's a biological mama bear thing. He says that it's gotten better for her over time, and as the child is more able to function independently. He says that having a toddler is just harrowing, period. I hope that he's right, and that this is just a temporary phase for me, but because it really stinks. I don't have enough energy to waste on such negativity.
The one and only benefit to this is that it gets me thinking about my Guru and saying prayers. At least that is one time out of my day that I am thinking about virtue. I used to think about it all the time and keep my mind in an upward swing, but my mindfulness is shot these days. So I guess this is an opportunity for transformation and I should use it as my spiritual practice.
The worst thing that could happen would be that I just succumb to huge anxiety and depression, which I don't intend to do. Weird times, though. Weird times.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Ode to Zumba
I'm supposed to be ordering groceries right now, and then going to bed, but I just have to say this first:
I LOVE ZUMBA!
And I'll tell you why (quickly, so I can get on with things).
1. It's killer exercise.
2. It's really fun. Really, really fun.
3. I get to spend time with Jessica with none of our precious kids and no husbands in sight. As much as we love them, it's good to be individual people for awhile. I'm sure she would agree.
4. It takes me away from the TV.
5. I don't have to do any chores or think about any responsibilities for a whole hour! The only thing I have to concentrate on is funky dance moves.
6. The class is full of all shapes, sizes and flavors of women. As it should be. No shame.
7. The instructors in this particular class are fantastic. They're not the ripped lean young chicks that you see on TV, either. They are regular women with regular bodies and they can really move! It's impressive!
8. The music is really fun and not at all annoying.
9. I get to howl and hoot and clap and be rowdy.
10. There is tons of ass-shakin', and I love a good reason to shake my ass!
Who wouldn't love Zumba?
I LOVE ZUMBA!
And I'll tell you why (quickly, so I can get on with things).
1. It's killer exercise.
2. It's really fun. Really, really fun.
3. I get to spend time with Jessica with none of our precious kids and no husbands in sight. As much as we love them, it's good to be individual people for awhile. I'm sure she would agree.
4. It takes me away from the TV.
5. I don't have to do any chores or think about any responsibilities for a whole hour! The only thing I have to concentrate on is funky dance moves.
6. The class is full of all shapes, sizes and flavors of women. As it should be. No shame.
7. The instructors in this particular class are fantastic. They're not the ripped lean young chicks that you see on TV, either. They are regular women with regular bodies and they can really move! It's impressive!
8. The music is really fun and not at all annoying.
9. I get to howl and hoot and clap and be rowdy.
10. There is tons of ass-shakin', and I love a good reason to shake my ass!
Who wouldn't love Zumba?
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