First Dragon of 2013. Hopefully not the last.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Friday, January 25, 2013
Body Image A-Ha
I have always had a skewed image of my body. This isn't unusual, I don't think, but it is a shame.
When I was 12 and going through puberty, I used to wish for hips. Be careful what you ask for, kids! It was shortly after that when I developed the idea that I was too fat.
At 13, I was my full height of 5'1-3/4" and I weighed 111 lbs. I remember being completely destroyed that I was so fat. Not one of the adults in my life clued me in to the fact that 111 lbs is not fat or unattractive or shameful. I know this now, but I didn't then. I have held a negative body image from that day forward.
Needless to say, at my ripe old age of 41 and after having a child late in life, I weigh a whole lot more than 111 lbs. I never imagined I could even weigh as much as I do now, or be so uncomfortable in clothing (or without clothing, come to think of it). I have a new pressure to get my shit together because I do not want to demonstrate a terrible body image to my daughter. I want her to have a healthy attitude toward herself. I'd better get happy about myself fast before she notices, and by "get happy" I mean "get skinnier".
The other day I had an epiphany that brought this into the right perspective. I don't have to be skinnier to be happy. I need to be happy with this thing at any size, and always work toward health. I need to exercise because all humans need to exercise to stay strong. I need to eat right because all humans need to eat right to feel good and be healthy. What I really want for her is self-acceptance and healthy goals, not to think she has to be skinny to be happy.
I've had it all wrong all this time, and now that I have her as my mirror, I can see that clearly. She is watching me be my own worst enemy, and that is definitely not a pattern I'd like to perpetuate.
When I was 12 and going through puberty, I used to wish for hips. Be careful what you ask for, kids! It was shortly after that when I developed the idea that I was too fat.
At 13, I was my full height of 5'1-3/4" and I weighed 111 lbs. I remember being completely destroyed that I was so fat. Not one of the adults in my life clued me in to the fact that 111 lbs is not fat or unattractive or shameful. I know this now, but I didn't then. I have held a negative body image from that day forward.
Needless to say, at my ripe old age of 41 and after having a child late in life, I weigh a whole lot more than 111 lbs. I never imagined I could even weigh as much as I do now, or be so uncomfortable in clothing (or without clothing, come to think of it). I have a new pressure to get my shit together because I do not want to demonstrate a terrible body image to my daughter. I want her to have a healthy attitude toward herself. I'd better get happy about myself fast before she notices, and by "get happy" I mean "get skinnier".
The other day I had an epiphany that brought this into the right perspective. I don't have to be skinnier to be happy. I need to be happy with this thing at any size, and always work toward health. I need to exercise because all humans need to exercise to stay strong. I need to eat right because all humans need to eat right to feel good and be healthy. What I really want for her is self-acceptance and healthy goals, not to think she has to be skinny to be happy.
I've had it all wrong all this time, and now that I have her as my mirror, I can see that clearly. She is watching me be my own worst enemy, and that is definitely not a pattern I'd like to perpetuate.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Road to Recovery
Sometime the most obvious answer is right under your nose and you don't see it until someone points it out. This is my experience with getting the sleep train back on the tracks.
A friend of mine told me to just remove myself from the bad sleep situation. What? Oh yeah, right, sounds so easy when stated like that. But I thought about the wisdom of it. That's when it occurred to me. I am the problem here. I am not getting too much help from my sleepmates, but when left to their own devices, they sleep peacefully for hours and hours. When they are subjected to my messy mind, they jump right into the insomniac fray.
So I made myself a cozy nest in our cozy basement cave. It didn't matter that these are the coldest days of the year because I had a little heater and lots of soft, warm blankets. As soon as the plan came together I immediately relaxed. I slept for 5 straight hours, woke up, got back to sleep again and slept some more, all the way until morning.
When I woke up that first night, I was transformed into a new woman. Everything seemed a little brighter and happier and hopeful. Things aren't so wrong. There's nothing to fear. It's all ok! I still have the ability to relax and sleep! It was right there the whole time - the answer that my mind was wound too tight to remember. I felt a little silly that I let it go on so long.
I wanted to sleep down there forever in the dark solitary womb, but I knew I had to return to my regular bed and my regular role. It's ok though because when I did return, I was relaxed and things changed. My people didn't interrupt me at all. A didn't even stir until 5am, several nights in a row (unheard of!). I'm still waking up at 3:30am, but I am not freaking out and I'm getting back to sleep until the proper wake-up time.
I don't know if I'll be able to sleep 8 hours in a row regularly for a while, or maybe ever. I will happily settle for this, though. A good chunk of deep, relaxing, oxygenated sleep and some cuddling with my people. We're all happier when Mama is calm. Delusions and anxiety are such a beast.
A friend of mine told me to just remove myself from the bad sleep situation. What? Oh yeah, right, sounds so easy when stated like that. But I thought about the wisdom of it. That's when it occurred to me. I am the problem here. I am not getting too much help from my sleepmates, but when left to their own devices, they sleep peacefully for hours and hours. When they are subjected to my messy mind, they jump right into the insomniac fray.
So I made myself a cozy nest in our cozy basement cave. It didn't matter that these are the coldest days of the year because I had a little heater and lots of soft, warm blankets. As soon as the plan came together I immediately relaxed. I slept for 5 straight hours, woke up, got back to sleep again and slept some more, all the way until morning.
When I woke up that first night, I was transformed into a new woman. Everything seemed a little brighter and happier and hopeful. Things aren't so wrong. There's nothing to fear. It's all ok! I still have the ability to relax and sleep! It was right there the whole time - the answer that my mind was wound too tight to remember. I felt a little silly that I let it go on so long.
I wanted to sleep down there forever in the dark solitary womb, but I knew I had to return to my regular bed and my regular role. It's ok though because when I did return, I was relaxed and things changed. My people didn't interrupt me at all. A didn't even stir until 5am, several nights in a row (unheard of!). I'm still waking up at 3:30am, but I am not freaking out and I'm getting back to sleep until the proper wake-up time.
I don't know if I'll be able to sleep 8 hours in a row regularly for a while, or maybe ever. I will happily settle for this, though. A good chunk of deep, relaxing, oxygenated sleep and some cuddling with my people. We're all happier when Mama is calm. Delusions and anxiety are such a beast.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Sleep Freaks 2013 Edition
Oh how I wish for the halcyon days of sleeping two shifts of 3-4 hours each. I am a wreck, people. I'm going on week 4 of sleeping for 2-4 hours and then being up for the rest of the night. I'm cracking up! I have no patience, I feel anti-social and J will tell you that I am very hard to get along with. When will it end?
I've tried many things. Keeping everyone out of the room: still wake up and stay up. Melatonin: big disappointment. Keeping the CPAP mask on: works great for 3 hours. Advil PM: no dice. ZzzzzQuil: works ok but has a hangover effect. Visualizations: my mind can't concentrate for a minute straight. Two things that have worked well in the past - Hylands Calms Forte and Tylenol PM - are nowhere to be found in the stores. What the hell? I've even tried changing my diet, thinking that perhaps my food allergies are getting back at me in new and unique ways. I don't know what to do!
I really want to avoid the hard drugs, like Ambien or Lunesta, because of their side effects and risk of dependency. What I can say about my current condition is that I'm amped, which allows me to get my work done and take care of business around the house. If I took the drugs, I'd be groggy the next day and I can't afford that. I need to train myself back to normal somehow rather than rely on a crutch.
I go back to see the Sleep Doctor in February (the guy is booked out months in advance - not too helpful for my day-to-day). I'm sure I will hear all about my apparent severe sleep apnea, which I am resigned to having and treating. But what I want to know is how to stay asleep. I used to do it, but I forgot how. Will he help with that?
Sleep deprivation does funny things to you, and for me, it just makes me worry more. I was accustomed to waking up once to use the bathroom or comfort A, but I could drift back peacefully. Now I am instantly anxious that I can't sleep, and that keeps me up. I hope I don't go crazy!
J is up to his usual tricks, despite my pleas for a more normal nighttime. He does what he wants, which means he comes to bed at 3:30 or 4 now. I don't know how that man survives on such little sleep, but he does get to sleep in a lot more than I do.
A is doing some strange sleep things now too. Naturally, I blame myself first. I think that my freaky amped-up insomniac energy is getting her worked up, and maybe that's partly it. Maybe she's just a developing two year old, though. She's rebelled against her peaceful afternoon nap. We're not giving it up just yet, though, because she clearly still needs one judging from her exhausted behavior in the late afternoon if she misses it. She's also waking up in the wee hours demanding to get up, play and read books. A little early morning party time, if you will. That's not going to work for her, though. Even if I never sleep again, she will have to. So we have that extra added excitement.
I'm contemplating going back to my regular doctor to get some blood work or something. What if there's something seriously out of whack in my body causing this disturbance? It's likely just stress but I feel compelled to look at it from all angles. I might even pay out-of-pocket and go back to the naturopath, even though I can't really afford that right now.
Mama needs some sleep! If Mama cracks up, this whole house of cards comes tumbling down, and I can't afford that either.
I've tried many things. Keeping everyone out of the room: still wake up and stay up. Melatonin: big disappointment. Keeping the CPAP mask on: works great for 3 hours. Advil PM: no dice. ZzzzzQuil: works ok but has a hangover effect. Visualizations: my mind can't concentrate for a minute straight. Two things that have worked well in the past - Hylands Calms Forte and Tylenol PM - are nowhere to be found in the stores. What the hell? I've even tried changing my diet, thinking that perhaps my food allergies are getting back at me in new and unique ways. I don't know what to do!
I really want to avoid the hard drugs, like Ambien or Lunesta, because of their side effects and risk of dependency. What I can say about my current condition is that I'm amped, which allows me to get my work done and take care of business around the house. If I took the drugs, I'd be groggy the next day and I can't afford that. I need to train myself back to normal somehow rather than rely on a crutch.
I go back to see the Sleep Doctor in February (the guy is booked out months in advance - not too helpful for my day-to-day). I'm sure I will hear all about my apparent severe sleep apnea, which I am resigned to having and treating. But what I want to know is how to stay asleep. I used to do it, but I forgot how. Will he help with that?
Sleep deprivation does funny things to you, and for me, it just makes me worry more. I was accustomed to waking up once to use the bathroom or comfort A, but I could drift back peacefully. Now I am instantly anxious that I can't sleep, and that keeps me up. I hope I don't go crazy!
J is up to his usual tricks, despite my pleas for a more normal nighttime. He does what he wants, which means he comes to bed at 3:30 or 4 now. I don't know how that man survives on such little sleep, but he does get to sleep in a lot more than I do.
A is doing some strange sleep things now too. Naturally, I blame myself first. I think that my freaky amped-up insomniac energy is getting her worked up, and maybe that's partly it. Maybe she's just a developing two year old, though. She's rebelled against her peaceful afternoon nap. We're not giving it up just yet, though, because she clearly still needs one judging from her exhausted behavior in the late afternoon if she misses it. She's also waking up in the wee hours demanding to get up, play and read books. A little early morning party time, if you will. That's not going to work for her, though. Even if I never sleep again, she will have to. So we have that extra added excitement.
I'm contemplating going back to my regular doctor to get some blood work or something. What if there's something seriously out of whack in my body causing this disturbance? It's likely just stress but I feel compelled to look at it from all angles. I might even pay out-of-pocket and go back to the naturopath, even though I can't really afford that right now.
Mama needs some sleep! If Mama cracks up, this whole house of cards comes tumbling down, and I can't afford that either.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
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