Body Image A-Ha

I have always had a skewed image of my body. This isn't unusual, I don't think, but it is a shame.

When I was 12 and going through puberty, I used to wish for hips. Be careful what you ask for, kids! It was shortly after that when I developed the idea that I was too fat.

At 13, I was my full height of 5'1-3/4" and I weighed 111 lbs. I remember being completely destroyed that I was so fat. Not one of the adults in my life clued me in to the fact that 111 lbs is not fat or unattractive or shameful. I know this now, but I didn't then. I have held a negative body image from that day forward.

Needless to say, at my ripe old age of 41 and after having a child late in life, I weigh a whole lot more than 111 lbs. I never imagined I could even weigh as much as I do now, or be so uncomfortable in clothing (or without clothing, come to think of it). I have a new pressure to get my shit together because I do not want to demonstrate a terrible body image to my daughter. I want her to have a healthy attitude toward herself. I'd better get happy about myself fast before she notices, and by "get happy" I mean "get skinnier".

The other day I had an epiphany that brought this into the right perspective. I don't have to be skinnier to be happy. I need to be happy with this thing at any size, and always work toward health. I need to exercise because all humans need to exercise to stay strong. I need to eat right because all humans need to eat right to feel good and be healthy. What I really want for her is self-acceptance and healthy goals, not to think she has to be skinny to be happy.

I've had it all wrong all this time, and now that I have her as my mirror, I can see that clearly. She is watching me be my own worst enemy, and that is definitely not a pattern I'd like to perpetuate.