I get disillusioned being an adult sometimes. Work is really stressful right now, and it's summer, and I'd just rather be outside playing with my girl. Or just sitting in a sunny spot thinking poetic thoughts. Or reading a book. When I have so many demands on me every waking moment, I'd just rather be doing anything other than what I'm doing.
I'm reminded that life is short, and that right now all my energy is going toward pushing a giant boulder up a hill, only to have it roll back over me when I get to the top. Why spend my energy this way? Oh, right, because I don't have a choice. To live in a house and drive a car and feed my baby and wear clothes, I have to work.
I do have a choice about how I choose to frame it, though. I can see it as a total drag, and that my life is slipping away into drudgery, or I can see it as time invested for a better future. But what is that "better future"? What does that look like? Will I have to work this hard for the rest of my life? What is life after work? Where is my Great Reward?
I think we are fooling ourselves if we think that we need to spend our entire lives working, working, working to get to some mysterious period of bliss later. Old age, as far as I have observed, is no bliss. Yeah, you don't have to go to work every day maybe, but that's because chances are that you aren't able to. Your mind and body breaks down soon enough as far as I can tell.
So what a bummer, right? I might as well just go eat some worms, right? No, that's not what I'm saying! I suspect something far more awesome and positive.
I think that my Great Reward is in the moment itself, no matter what I'm doing. Work can be stressful and ridiculous, yes, and it takes a lot out of me, yes. But, because of work, I am living comfortably. Because of work, I met my dear man and we had this amazing human together. I have also met some of my favorite and most supportive friends at work and they make my life very rich and entertaining. I am also never, ever bored at work and I learn something new every day. No lie.
Every moment I'm alive is my great fortune. I can cash in on it right now if I want to. I don't have to wait to enjoy myself. I can do that now, even amongst the stress and drudgery. I will just refuse to see it as such, and automatically, things are all better. You can call it denial if you want to, but a little mind magic goes a long way.
Friday, June 29, 2012
Monday, June 18, 2012
Daddy
Once you have kids, whether biologically or through adoption, you are a parent forever. You are tied to those kids for the rest of your life, and after you're gone, the rest of their lives. I am going to go ahead and say that the parent-child relationship is the single most important and influential relationship that you will have in your life, whether you are physically there for it or not.
I would also guess that most people are unprepared to be parents, even though I'd like to believe that once the kids are here, most people do their best to raise good people and love their kids the best they can. I don't know that there could be stats on that, but I like to believe in the goodness of people and therefore this is how I would guess that things are. Generally.
You cannot just decide you are no longer a parent and have that be ok with anyone. Kids will adapt and move on, but this leaves deep scars in them. They are always wondering what is wrong with them and why their mom or dad stopped caring for them. I know this, because it's happened to me. Twice.
My biological dad was totally unprepared for parenthood, to put it lightly. He grew up in a family where his father abandoned them, so he had no role model for fatherhood. He's a natural "free spirit" and doesn't seem to bond emotionally to anyone. He left when I was 2 1/2 and my brother was 5 months old. My mom remarried and we were adopted by our stepdad when I was 5. He didn't even show up in court to contest it, he just rambled on and had more families that he didn't take care of.
Although he was always a looming shadow growing up, we didn't really reconnect with him until our mid-20's. I see him about once every 5 years now, and it is totally awkward. I am grateful that he didn't raise me, because I think I would have been a mess. I feel like the scars have healed, but I always wonder what his deal is, and why he can't connect.
When I see him now, I can see the regret in his eyes for his mistakes, but I feel absolutely nothing. I don't blame myself anymore, now that I know the reality of the situation, but I think the emotional fallout for me was that it just made me hard. Abandonment is such a button for me, so when I think someone in any situation is about to bail, I just tell myself, "Who cares? I don't need them anyway." This maybe isn't always the healthiest reaction.
My adoptive dad was also completely unprepared to be a father, and he was only 24 when he adopted both of us, and then they had another son together. Three kids by 25 is a lot. For all of his faults and his own fucked-up childhood, I have to say that he really did try his hardest. He stuck with us through it all, until he and my mom divorced when I was 20.
We all maintained a relationship with him over the years, even though it hasn't been easy. He is manic depressive and even though I can't relate to that personally, I have come to understand what a debilitating disease that is. It can really destroy your relationships. When he's not doing well, he hides in his deep, dark, self-defeating, misery-absorbed hole and there is no torch bright enough to penetrate that darkness. We've tried, and failed.
When I got married, he asked me if he "had to" walk me down the aisle. My mom did it, because I was thinking, well if you feel that way about it, fuck no - you don't GET to. He didn't even get me a card wishing me well. He has no happiness for anyone else because he has absolutely no joy for himself. Over the last five years, he's stopped calling us on our birthdays, stopped showing up to holidays when we invite him over, and really just stopped being accessible altogether. My brother showed up to his workplace, because that's the only place you can really find him, and he said he didn't recognize him.
I know this behavior is the symptoms of his disease, but I am outraged by it all the same. There is some part of him that makes the choice just to be alone and miserable. Some part of him chooses to forget he ever knew us, or that we'd be better off without him for whatever reason. My warrior side is full of fury about it and thinks that I guess we are better off without his miserable crap. But the soft little girl in me who admires her daddy and wants him to care is just super, super sad. What a waste of a life to turn your back on the people who can never turn their backs on you, even if they wanted to.
I would also guess that most people are unprepared to be parents, even though I'd like to believe that once the kids are here, most people do their best to raise good people and love their kids the best they can. I don't know that there could be stats on that, but I like to believe in the goodness of people and therefore this is how I would guess that things are. Generally.
You cannot just decide you are no longer a parent and have that be ok with anyone. Kids will adapt and move on, but this leaves deep scars in them. They are always wondering what is wrong with them and why their mom or dad stopped caring for them. I know this, because it's happened to me. Twice.
My biological dad was totally unprepared for parenthood, to put it lightly. He grew up in a family where his father abandoned them, so he had no role model for fatherhood. He's a natural "free spirit" and doesn't seem to bond emotionally to anyone. He left when I was 2 1/2 and my brother was 5 months old. My mom remarried and we were adopted by our stepdad when I was 5. He didn't even show up in court to contest it, he just rambled on and had more families that he didn't take care of.
Although he was always a looming shadow growing up, we didn't really reconnect with him until our mid-20's. I see him about once every 5 years now, and it is totally awkward. I am grateful that he didn't raise me, because I think I would have been a mess. I feel like the scars have healed, but I always wonder what his deal is, and why he can't connect.
When I see him now, I can see the regret in his eyes for his mistakes, but I feel absolutely nothing. I don't blame myself anymore, now that I know the reality of the situation, but I think the emotional fallout for me was that it just made me hard. Abandonment is such a button for me, so when I think someone in any situation is about to bail, I just tell myself, "Who cares? I don't need them anyway." This maybe isn't always the healthiest reaction.
My adoptive dad was also completely unprepared to be a father, and he was only 24 when he adopted both of us, and then they had another son together. Three kids by 25 is a lot. For all of his faults and his own fucked-up childhood, I have to say that he really did try his hardest. He stuck with us through it all, until he and my mom divorced when I was 20.
We all maintained a relationship with him over the years, even though it hasn't been easy. He is manic depressive and even though I can't relate to that personally, I have come to understand what a debilitating disease that is. It can really destroy your relationships. When he's not doing well, he hides in his deep, dark, self-defeating, misery-absorbed hole and there is no torch bright enough to penetrate that darkness. We've tried, and failed.
When I got married, he asked me if he "had to" walk me down the aisle. My mom did it, because I was thinking, well if you feel that way about it, fuck no - you don't GET to. He didn't even get me a card wishing me well. He has no happiness for anyone else because he has absolutely no joy for himself. Over the last five years, he's stopped calling us on our birthdays, stopped showing up to holidays when we invite him over, and really just stopped being accessible altogether. My brother showed up to his workplace, because that's the only place you can really find him, and he said he didn't recognize him.
I know this behavior is the symptoms of his disease, but I am outraged by it all the same. There is some part of him that makes the choice just to be alone and miserable. Some part of him chooses to forget he ever knew us, or that we'd be better off without him for whatever reason. My warrior side is full of fury about it and thinks that I guess we are better off without his miserable crap. But the soft little girl in me who admires her daddy and wants him to care is just super, super sad. What a waste of a life to turn your back on the people who can never turn their backs on you, even if they wanted to.
Monday, June 11, 2012
I Want That! Now!
Today was one of the toughest in recent memory. We both got to the end of the day, super tense, and realized that we had no idea what had happened to our sweet, happy baby girl. She was just a mess all day long and we couldn't figure it out. She is not sick. She had plenty of good sleep. She had food when she wanted it (as best we could tell, anyway), a walk outside, played on the deck, a good long nap on her Daddy's lap, a stroller ride to the store, and the devoted attention of both of her hard-working parents all day long.
This is how it looks from Arli's perpective, we think:
Pick me up! I need you! I'm small and I need attention. Drop everything! Pick me up!
Oooooh, look at all the things I'm missing out on from up here! All those things on the tables and shelves and counters that you keep from me. Bad Mommy. Bad Daddy.
(Pointing to nothing in particular, and shrieking) I want THAT! No, THAT. I want THAT! (Hand it to her) NOOOOO!! THAAAT, you idiot!
Time for a tantrum. On my face, on the floor. Again.
You people don't ever give me anything! You don't care about me at all! (Hand "it" to her, immediate pacification, switch goes off). Oh, thank you. This is the best thing ever. Do the buttons work? Does it twist? Does it light up? Does it make sounds? What if I pull on it? What if I drop it off the deck? Go get it! Oooooh, thank you. Do it again. Do it again. WHAAAAAT?? I'm not done with this gaaaaaame!!! (Goes limp, kicks legs, face mashed into floor, yelling bloody murder.)
I'm HUNGRY! Feed me! No, not that! NO. Don't you care that I'm starving half to death? I want what you have. Wait, no I don't. You people don't understand anything! (Shrieking so loud that the crystal martini glasses we never get to drink out of shatter in the cupboard.)
Wash. Rinse. Repeat for 10 straight hours.
Jeff says, "What is wrong with her? What did we do?"
Now, I don't know this for sure, but I think she's a toddler. And I think toddler-types just have days like this because their worlds are expanding and they have to see, hear, touch and taste everything they come in contact with or suspect that they might come in contact with. They get ultra-frustrated when things don't go their way, just like we big people do, but they are at the extreme disadvantage of not having the language to express it. A little language and reason can go a long way.
So I really think that the only things we can do are take a deep breath, be as reasonable as humanly possible, and buckle up. We are in for an adventure. She's taking the world by storm, and she's starting at home.
This is how it looks from Arli's perpective, we think:
Pick me up! I need you! I'm small and I need attention. Drop everything! Pick me up!
Oooooh, look at all the things I'm missing out on from up here! All those things on the tables and shelves and counters that you keep from me. Bad Mommy. Bad Daddy.
(Pointing to nothing in particular, and shrieking) I want THAT! No, THAT. I want THAT! (Hand it to her) NOOOOO!! THAAAT, you idiot!
Time for a tantrum. On my face, on the floor. Again.
You people don't ever give me anything! You don't care about me at all! (Hand "it" to her, immediate pacification, switch goes off). Oh, thank you. This is the best thing ever. Do the buttons work? Does it twist? Does it light up? Does it make sounds? What if I pull on it? What if I drop it off the deck? Go get it! Oooooh, thank you. Do it again. Do it again. WHAAAAAT?? I'm not done with this gaaaaaame!!! (Goes limp, kicks legs, face mashed into floor, yelling bloody murder.)
I'm HUNGRY! Feed me! No, not that! NO. Don't you care that I'm starving half to death? I want what you have. Wait, no I don't. You people don't understand anything! (Shrieking so loud that the crystal martini glasses we never get to drink out of shatter in the cupboard.)
Wash. Rinse. Repeat for 10 straight hours.
Jeff says, "What is wrong with her? What did we do?"
Now, I don't know this for sure, but I think she's a toddler. And I think toddler-types just have days like this because their worlds are expanding and they have to see, hear, touch and taste everything they come in contact with or suspect that they might come in contact with. They get ultra-frustrated when things don't go their way, just like we big people do, but they are at the extreme disadvantage of not having the language to express it. A little language and reason can go a long way.
So I really think that the only things we can do are take a deep breath, be as reasonable as humanly possible, and buckle up. We are in for an adventure. She's taking the world by storm, and she's starting at home.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Ka-boom Indeed
By many accounts, this has been a truly anxiety-ridden bummer of a week, kicked off by an ominous dream. I can look at it that way, or I can look at some lessons learned and move on. I think I'd rather do that. I do not like spending time with my mind stuck in muck.
So, ka-boom. There have been random shootings all over the city for a couple of weeks now. People are jumpy. This isn't all just your typical gang-related fighting, this is people being struck by stray bullets while driving, shot at festivals, and gunned down while standing at the door to their apartment, drinking coffee or getting into their cars. These aren't people who solicit violence, these victims have been anyone. They could be me or you.
The gun debate rages on. It seems so simple to me, but I've recently learned another lesson. Do not, under any circumstances, jump into this debate on a public forum, unless you're looking for trouble. I posted a quite innocuous response (or so I thought) about this on a Facebook "friend's" page in response to their status update about how it's not a "gun problem". Of course, guns don't kill people, right?
My point was that it doesn't matter if the guys drinking coffee were armed. They never would have known to, or had time to, retaliate when the psycho shot them. If the psycho didn't have a gun, there would have been no victims that day. That seems like a stone cold fact to me.
What I didn't think through when I posted it, was that I was messing with this guy's core belief that bearing arms is a God-given right. What I said to him, essentially, was that no one should have guns. That's a strong stance to take, and though I believe that in my heart, stating it to someone like this guy was just like waging war. His response was to send me a scathing email basically telling me I'm an idiot and blocking me from his account. I can only guess how the rest of that conversation went on his page after I was gone. It doesn't really matter. I've made a note of it in a big way.
I have been stretching my mind ever since that exchange, to try and understand his viewpoint. Not to try to agree with it, but just because it seems so absurd to me and I want to know how someone could possibly think that way. I don't think it's a good thing to just spout off because I can. I want to be thoughtful when I'm interacting with people that I clash with, so I can learn from them. What I don't want to do is be a one-dimensional, closed-minded ignorant jerk who can only see things my own way. That's the reason this world is in so much trouble in the first place.
Hopefully some gentler lessons are on the way. This week has been quite the exhausting doozy.
So, ka-boom. There have been random shootings all over the city for a couple of weeks now. People are jumpy. This isn't all just your typical gang-related fighting, this is people being struck by stray bullets while driving, shot at festivals, and gunned down while standing at the door to their apartment, drinking coffee or getting into their cars. These aren't people who solicit violence, these victims have been anyone. They could be me or you.
The gun debate rages on. It seems so simple to me, but I've recently learned another lesson. Do not, under any circumstances, jump into this debate on a public forum, unless you're looking for trouble. I posted a quite innocuous response (or so I thought) about this on a Facebook "friend's" page in response to their status update about how it's not a "gun problem". Of course, guns don't kill people, right?
My point was that it doesn't matter if the guys drinking coffee were armed. They never would have known to, or had time to, retaliate when the psycho shot them. If the psycho didn't have a gun, there would have been no victims that day. That seems like a stone cold fact to me.
What I didn't think through when I posted it, was that I was messing with this guy's core belief that bearing arms is a God-given right. What I said to him, essentially, was that no one should have guns. That's a strong stance to take, and though I believe that in my heart, stating it to someone like this guy was just like waging war. His response was to send me a scathing email basically telling me I'm an idiot and blocking me from his account. I can only guess how the rest of that conversation went on his page after I was gone. It doesn't really matter. I've made a note of it in a big way.
I have been stretching my mind ever since that exchange, to try and understand his viewpoint. Not to try to agree with it, but just because it seems so absurd to me and I want to know how someone could possibly think that way. I don't think it's a good thing to just spout off because I can. I want to be thoughtful when I'm interacting with people that I clash with, so I can learn from them. What I don't want to do is be a one-dimensional, closed-minded ignorant jerk who can only see things my own way. That's the reason this world is in so much trouble in the first place.
Hopefully some gentler lessons are on the way. This week has been quite the exhausting doozy.
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