I was at an airport tonight, all the way across the country, missing my girl with every fiber in my body.
I sat down and noticed a little backpack sitting all by itself a couple of seats down. We're supposed to be suspicious of such things, but when I saw a mom and her two girls come to claim it, I thought to myself, no mom is going to subject her babies to a bomb in a backpack.
This mom proceeded to change both girls' clothes, I'm guessing about 2 and 5, into matching super-warm jammies. Then she brushed their hair lovingly. They were adorable. It made me miss my girl all that much more. She then made a phone call while the girls were bouncing all over the place.
Don't worry, I thought to that mom in my mind, I am not at all bothered by them. They seem like good babies and it's a handful to bring kids in the airport. She got dirty looks from some people, like why don't you control your kids, but I noticed something else going on. All the other moms around, including myself, were keeping good eyes on them, so they didn't get too far from their mom. This was all unspoken, and automatic. Moms have each other's backs like this. It's instinct. I do this all the time in public without even thinking about it.
We finally got on the plane and I am SO GLAD to be on my way home. About an hour into the trip, the plane was diverted to Toronto due to a medical emergency. This is always disturbing. I wanted to be home so badly!
I found out that it was this mother who was having chest pains. She didn't speak any English, and she is traveling alone with the two girls and nine pieces of luggage. I can barely handle the sadness of this situation, and I can't imagine what she must be feeling.
Now we are on our way home, but she is in yet another strange country, probably in a hospital, 4,000 miles from her husband, who was supposed to pick them up. Who is watching her girls? How is she going to get home? Is she going to be ok? All of these questions are haunting me, and I am so tired but there is no way I will sleep.
I wanted to hop off the plane with her and just hold those babies and tell them that it would be ok. I wanted to stay with her the whole time until she got back home. I don't know anything about that woman, but I know what it's like to love your baby. I know how hard it is to travel with kids. I know the fear of thinking if something happens to me, what will happen to my child?
The worst part is, I can't do anything for her but pray. When I get home I'm going to get my baby out of her bed, take her into mine, and cuddle her with all my might. Life is so unpredictable, and you never know, and all you have is this one moment to make the most of.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Seven Years
I've been feeling weird lately, more weird than usual. My body aches and I'm really tired all the time. It could be the flu, but it hasn't seemed to progress much past this, plus headaches, in almost a week. Very strange. I find myself exhausted during the day, and I try to get a nap around working and being a mom, but you know that's not easy.
However, the last couple of nights, I've woken up in the wee hours and haven't been able to get back to sleep. My body wants to sleep but my mind keeps on rolling. Going back to a couple of blogs ago, I think this is all the in-between mental work I was referring to. It's downright disruptive sometimes!
I've had little bursts of progress, though, and I'm really feeling good about it. I'm on a big campaign to live how I want to live, and that includes possibly random things like eating out of a bowl more, and straightening up the millions of piles around here. Less clutter, more simplicity. Little baby steps feel like giant bounds when I've been stuck for a while.
The other morning, about 4:30am, after being up for hours, I had this epiphany, and after it burst out, I was able to sleep. My epiphany is this: I have a seven year life change cycle, and I'm 42.
I was thinking back to a time when I was 21, and I was really burned out on my warehouse coordination job. I just had other priorities. I didn't want to spend all my time thinking about dock bumpers and Genie lifts and install schedules. I had poetry to write, bands to see, people to meet, and men to enchant. My job got in the way of my creativity. That job was the exact opposite of creativity, and the management was pretty shitty. It could have been a nice solid career starter, but I just was not interested in that kind of life then.
In my spare time, which I had plenty of, I volunteered at a thrift store where all the proceeds went to helping people with AIDS. I lived on Capitol Hill, where all kinds of wacky, alternative things went on, and I was, of course, way into that. Plenty of fodder for poetry and art. When a full time position opened up there, I jumped on it. My stuffy colleagues at the warehouse handling job made fun of me for leaving, and that just made my decision feel all the more justified. I consciously made the decision to leave something that looked stable to do something that was meaningful to my heart. I have not one minute regretted it, and it set me on the path to where I am today.
If I think seven years past that, I made a very similar decision. I was working at Microsoft in their media studio. I liked what I did, but I totally hated working at a big monster corporation. I was being compared to my peers on a bell curve, and not based on my ethic, effort or performance. It was so wrong to me. And, the boys club. Don't even get me started on that bullshit.
I had an opportunity to go work for a competing corporation, and they had a division that created media for non-profits. A chance to use my skills, and expand my skills, get paid well, and still do something good for the world. I jumped. I didn't care about the criticism.
That gig was actually too good to be true, because I got out just before the division folded about two years later. Then I did a little bit of freelance project management before spending a few years at a small, friendly start up. I got on full time there and spent about four years getting some amazing experience in project and account management. Things took a turn there, too, as things do, and I was no longer on board with the direction of the company. I was stable. I was respected, mostly. I had mad skills. But my heart wasn't in it.
I remember being quite elated and refreshed to come to the company I work for now. It was small, and scrappy, and we did amazing work, fueled by amazing creative brains. I was so inspired and the transition was all good. I also had just gotten married and bought a house and had many dreams about many things. I was dedicated to my Buddhist practice. Things were solid.
Almost eight years later, it's a different place. They sold it to a big, monster corporation, and many of the key creative people have abandoned ship. I'm starting to see some of the same trends that I've seen in the past, and I just don't like the way it looks. I'm struggling to make progress professionally, and I'm just not spiritually into a big chunk of work that I have no choice but to do. It feels to me now that it may have run its course. Something needs to change.
I don't like this, because I'm comfortable there, or maybe just complacent. I don't want to put the effort into picking up and finding what's next. I don't know what's out there, or if I'll find anything else that will be as richly satisfying. I have a family to support now, and the stakes are high.
Once I've had a realization like this, I know from experience that it won't just sink back into the shadows. I can try to ignore it, but it just causes a lot more suffering. I don't know what this year will bring, but if the patterns in my life are any indicator, I'm in for some changes. These changes, it appears, are overdue.
Gulp.
However, the last couple of nights, I've woken up in the wee hours and haven't been able to get back to sleep. My body wants to sleep but my mind keeps on rolling. Going back to a couple of blogs ago, I think this is all the in-between mental work I was referring to. It's downright disruptive sometimes!
I've had little bursts of progress, though, and I'm really feeling good about it. I'm on a big campaign to live how I want to live, and that includes possibly random things like eating out of a bowl more, and straightening up the millions of piles around here. Less clutter, more simplicity. Little baby steps feel like giant bounds when I've been stuck for a while.
The other morning, about 4:30am, after being up for hours, I had this epiphany, and after it burst out, I was able to sleep. My epiphany is this: I have a seven year life change cycle, and I'm 42.
I was thinking back to a time when I was 21, and I was really burned out on my warehouse coordination job. I just had other priorities. I didn't want to spend all my time thinking about dock bumpers and Genie lifts and install schedules. I had poetry to write, bands to see, people to meet, and men to enchant. My job got in the way of my creativity. That job was the exact opposite of creativity, and the management was pretty shitty. It could have been a nice solid career starter, but I just was not interested in that kind of life then.
In my spare time, which I had plenty of, I volunteered at a thrift store where all the proceeds went to helping people with AIDS. I lived on Capitol Hill, where all kinds of wacky, alternative things went on, and I was, of course, way into that. Plenty of fodder for poetry and art. When a full time position opened up there, I jumped on it. My stuffy colleagues at the warehouse handling job made fun of me for leaving, and that just made my decision feel all the more justified. I consciously made the decision to leave something that looked stable to do something that was meaningful to my heart. I have not one minute regretted it, and it set me on the path to where I am today.
If I think seven years past that, I made a very similar decision. I was working at Microsoft in their media studio. I liked what I did, but I totally hated working at a big monster corporation. I was being compared to my peers on a bell curve, and not based on my ethic, effort or performance. It was so wrong to me. And, the boys club. Don't even get me started on that bullshit.
I had an opportunity to go work for a competing corporation, and they had a division that created media for non-profits. A chance to use my skills, and expand my skills, get paid well, and still do something good for the world. I jumped. I didn't care about the criticism.
That gig was actually too good to be true, because I got out just before the division folded about two years later. Then I did a little bit of freelance project management before spending a few years at a small, friendly start up. I got on full time there and spent about four years getting some amazing experience in project and account management. Things took a turn there, too, as things do, and I was no longer on board with the direction of the company. I was stable. I was respected, mostly. I had mad skills. But my heart wasn't in it.
I remember being quite elated and refreshed to come to the company I work for now. It was small, and scrappy, and we did amazing work, fueled by amazing creative brains. I was so inspired and the transition was all good. I also had just gotten married and bought a house and had many dreams about many things. I was dedicated to my Buddhist practice. Things were solid.
Almost eight years later, it's a different place. They sold it to a big, monster corporation, and many of the key creative people have abandoned ship. I'm starting to see some of the same trends that I've seen in the past, and I just don't like the way it looks. I'm struggling to make progress professionally, and I'm just not spiritually into a big chunk of work that I have no choice but to do. It feels to me now that it may have run its course. Something needs to change.
I don't like this, because I'm comfortable there, or maybe just complacent. I don't want to put the effort into picking up and finding what's next. I don't know what's out there, or if I'll find anything else that will be as richly satisfying. I have a family to support now, and the stakes are high.
Once I've had a realization like this, I know from experience that it won't just sink back into the shadows. I can try to ignore it, but it just causes a lot more suffering. I don't know what this year will bring, but if the patterns in my life are any indicator, I'm in for some changes. These changes, it appears, are overdue.
Gulp.
Potty Party
Potty training is not exactly a party for us, but you wouldn't know it by looking at these sticker "charts".
There's a party on Mars all day long.
Butterflies were a good time, and she even got a few for going poop! But then, they were no longer that motivating, so we moved on to...monkeys!
There's a party on Mars all day long.
But, we soon ran out of robot stickers, so we moved on to butterflies.
Butterflies were a good time, and she even got a few for going poop! But then, they were no longer that motivating, so we moved on to...monkeys!
Her imagination is going wild lately. It's so delightful to watch. She makes up stories and songs for everything that she experiences. Her entire life is one long running commentary. And, she is very methodical about everything. She carefully chooses which sticker goes next, and its placement on the background. She puts similar stickers together. With the monkeys, she was making sure that each monkey got a banana or a flower for a while. When the scene was complete, she tallied up the girl and boy monkeys, and told stories about what they were all doing.
We've moved on now, to frogs. I asked her what kind of a background she wanted, and she wanted the frogs to be hopping on rooftops and trees. I may have gotten a little crazy with that one. We'll see.
Maybe I'm making this a little bit too fun, though, because what I really want is for the potty training to be OVER! She's really dragging this one out. We've tried all kinds of methods, and we refuse to make it a fight. I just need to have faith. All parents I've ever talked to, and the pediatrician, say that one day they just get it, and it's done.
Of course, as far as I'm concerned, if she wants to collaborate on these scenes even after she's going to the bathroom by herself, that's just fine with me. A little art never hurt anyone.
Monday, January 6, 2014
It's a New Year
It's a new year. We're off and running. I was thinking about resolutions and there are many things I should probably accomplish this year - lose weight, get more money, be happier, yada yada yada. All noble goals, but I'm going with something else this year, something a little more general but fundamental to driving all other goals and desires.
I want to work on ridding my mind of my fear. Lofty, huh? Fear fuels anger, anxiety, failure, confusion and inaction. I want to be done with all these things. I need to conquer and destroy what is keeping me from my happy mind. This is probably going to take me longer than one short year. It might take me my whole life, but I have to get back on the path.
I've been in quite a mental slump lately, and I want out. Slumps are super uncomfortable for me because I like to set my mind on something and get on with it. Slumps are also necessary. Sometimes you have to (or be forced to) pause so that you can allow the right answers to come to the surface. Sometimes I have to shut up a little bit and tap into the wisdom around me, so I can make the right decisions. These are the in-between times, where all the real work is done.
I don't really have a methodical plan for how to get rid of fear. It's not an effort comparable to pulling a semi-truck with my body like a strong man. I think it's more of a graceful mental massage. Staying in the moment. Mindfulness. Meditation. I need to tap back into that stream because I can't survive with this wild painful mind. I need to regain my mental suppleness. I think I can do it, but I have to keep my eye on the prize, with constant vigilance.
Also, I want to go real easy on myself this year. Easier than ever. I will be more forgiving and less demanding of myself. I will sit down when I need to rest. I will get out when I need a break. I will walk and do yoga more, as a favor to my body. I will ask for help when I need it. I will break down and weep when I feel out of control, instead of saving it up for a convenient PMS excuse. I will surround myself with the people that I can safely share my happiness with, and my sadness.
I will save some energy for myself, because challenging fear is a huge feat. It's not going down easy. If I have nothing left for this battle, I'll be in this same place this time next year. This is one resolution I don't want to slip away into obscurity.
Wish me luck.
I want to work on ridding my mind of my fear. Lofty, huh? Fear fuels anger, anxiety, failure, confusion and inaction. I want to be done with all these things. I need to conquer and destroy what is keeping me from my happy mind. This is probably going to take me longer than one short year. It might take me my whole life, but I have to get back on the path.
I've been in quite a mental slump lately, and I want out. Slumps are super uncomfortable for me because I like to set my mind on something and get on with it. Slumps are also necessary. Sometimes you have to (or be forced to) pause so that you can allow the right answers to come to the surface. Sometimes I have to shut up a little bit and tap into the wisdom around me, so I can make the right decisions. These are the in-between times, where all the real work is done.
I don't really have a methodical plan for how to get rid of fear. It's not an effort comparable to pulling a semi-truck with my body like a strong man. I think it's more of a graceful mental massage. Staying in the moment. Mindfulness. Meditation. I need to tap back into that stream because I can't survive with this wild painful mind. I need to regain my mental suppleness. I think I can do it, but I have to keep my eye on the prize, with constant vigilance.
Also, I want to go real easy on myself this year. Easier than ever. I will be more forgiving and less demanding of myself. I will sit down when I need to rest. I will get out when I need a break. I will walk and do yoga more, as a favor to my body. I will ask for help when I need it. I will break down and weep when I feel out of control, instead of saving it up for a convenient PMS excuse. I will surround myself with the people that I can safely share my happiness with, and my sadness.
I will save some energy for myself, because challenging fear is a huge feat. It's not going down easy. If I have nothing left for this battle, I'll be in this same place this time next year. This is one resolution I don't want to slip away into obscurity.
Wish me luck.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)