Worst Case Scenario

I do this bad thing before I go to sleep at night. I think about all the horrible tragedies that could befall my little family, specifically regarding A.

It starts with any worries I might have had during the day, like maybe she's sick or maybe it's really windy and I'm worried about the trees falling on the house. It escalates from there. I start thinking about all the things that could conceivably happen but probably never will.

What if the tree falls on her room and traps or kills her? What if it falls on me and I can't get to her? What if I die and she has to live without me? What if someone kidnaps her when she's not with me? What if she stops breathing or has a heart attack? What if I get in a terrible car accident while she's in the car? I mean, it gets really ridiculous and it gets me really worked up into an anxious whir. Totally useless thinking and very counterproductive to relaxing into sleep.

My friend says that his wife does the same thing and he thinks it's a biological mama bear thing. He says that it's gotten better for her over time, and as the child is more able to function independently. He says that having a toddler is just harrowing, period. I hope that he's right, and that this is just a temporary phase for me, but because it really stinks. I don't have enough energy to waste on such negativity.

The one and only benefit to this is that it gets me thinking about my Guru and saying prayers. At least that is one time out of my day that I am thinking about virtue. I used to think about it all the time and keep my mind in an upward swing, but my mindfulness is shot these days. So I guess this is an opportunity for transformation and I should use it as my spiritual practice.

The worst thing that could happen would be that I just succumb to huge anxiety and depression, which I don't intend to do. Weird times, though. Weird times.