Last night, I decided to take a different approach to my "what if" thoughts. I shoved all the tragedy out of my mind, and decided to think about "what if everything turns out just fine?".
I went into the future, like Nicholas Cage did in one of my favorite movies, Raising Arizona. I imagined how A might be in various stages of her life, growing up happy and healthy and adorable, of course. I imagined her going to good schools, being a good person and having lots of friends. I imagined a marriage that got stronger and more peaceful and lasted. I imagined that I was able to keep my work flexible and meaningful, and that J had work that he liked and that was secure. I imagined that all of our people were happy and healthy too. (While I was at it, I imagined that I got back into great shape and was super foxy. I mean, why not, right?)
Sleep was welcoming, deep and relaxing. I even dreamed that I had a new job opportunity.
I often feel that if I let myself go wild and think this way, I will end up being disappointed or that I somehow won't be prepared when bad things do happen. Maybe that's a little bit silly, though. There is absolutely no harm in dreaming about what you really want, or asking for good things to happen. How else can good things happen if there's no room in your mind to let them in?
Certainly, it's good to be vigilant and preventative wherever you can, but it's no good for anxiety to be the boss.
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