When I spend entire days alone with my 16-month-old, I notice something. Having a kid, especially a small one who needs constant vigilant attention, really challenges me to stay in the moment. If I look away, even for a millisecond, she gets into something that will harm her in some profound way. She spends most of her time and energy trying to climb up, on or around obstacles to get at the good stuff, like the electrical outlets, knives or the cat's medication.
I am not used to conducting my life in this way. I have been training for years and years to multi-task and now multi-tasking is nearly impossible. When I am doing the dishes, my mind is going in many different directions. I'm thinking about what went on at work, or what I need to do after the dishes, or how I am going to entertain her for the rest of the day. I'm never just doing the dishes. I am developing eyes in the back of my head so that I can keep her safe. I'm always trying to anticipate where she might go next, and eliminate any dangers that might be there.
I am also developing a huge sense of mother-guilt, and I think that's part of the package.
Maybe I don't pay enough of the right kind of attention to her. Maybe I'm thinking so much about the logistics of getting through the day that I forget how fleeting these moments with her are. Can she tell that I'm not all there with her? Am I neglecting her so that she'll need therapy later?
Sometimes when I'm rocking her to sleep, I'm working out my adult problems in my head, and I feel bad. I should just be enjoying my precious moments with my daughter. Why is it so hard to just do that? She's growing so fast and soon she'll be too big to rock to sleep at all. Soon she'll be telling me no, and slamming doors and eventually she'll walk away and have her own life. All I'll have then are my mundane adult problems.
Although I think it's good to watch your mind and be aware of all this, if I let this mother-guilt take over I will be a neurotic mess. I try to stay in the moment with her and spend time playing with her every day. This is good. I'm doing fine. Everything I do is in an effort to give her a good life. She is a happy, healthy girl with two doting and devoted parents. I can't do everything right, but she gets the best I've got to give, and that has to count for something!
I think mother's guilt is normal for all mothers. No matter our situation we always think we should be doing better, playing more, listening better, doing more, etc, etc. When I gave birth to Adalyn one of the doctors that came to check on me (a mother of two), said that her goal every day was to play one-on-one with her children for 10 minutes a day. I thought in my head just 10 minutes, I can do that. See...we all have our own thing and goals and as long as we are attempting to reach those goals then a round of applause for every mom in the world. It's the toughest job out there.
ReplyDelete