Special Requests

Since I last blogged almost two years ago, I had this baby. She's amazing in every way, and quite possibly the most incredible human who has ever been born. I don't know. Time will tell. She takes more out of me than I ever imagined I had to give. And you know what? I don't mind, not at all. It is all hers. I've been saving it up this whole life, maybe lifetimes, to give to her.

At the end of every day, I feel a little bit sad that our time together is just a little bit shorter. One of my favorite things is holding her, looking into her eyes until slowly, slowly she slips into sleep. I feel like I want to make every second of her existence safe and sweet. I know that's not realistic, but it is my new mission nonetheless. Even though the rest of my life is completely off the rails, I go to sleep every night feeling deeply content because she is finally here.

As for the rest of my life being completely off the rails, there are a few things that have been sacrificed that I would like back. Here are my humble requests:

1. I would like a moment to remember who I am. Maybe even an hour or two here and there. I miss my friends and I think some of them miss my undivided attention. I don't know if they will ever get it again, but I would like to try.

2. I would like to comb my hair, find some clean clothes that fit, and have it noted that it is still possible to do so. As a bonus, I'd love it if my husband could look at me and recognize me as an attractive female. I think this has happened before the baby, so it could possibly happen again. I'm not a show pony, but I am still a girl. I would just like that recognized.

3. Speaking of that, I would also like to be able to recognize my body again. What in the hell is this that I'm living in now? It jiggles and bulges in strange and unacceptable places. I have stretchmarks and scars now. It aches in my feet from the bulk. I didn't plan this and I don't like it. Please give me back just a little bit of mindfulness so that I can mindfully put effort into reducing it. I am headed for health problems and this is not acceptable.

4. I would like a few moments of focus so that I can still pretend I'm a productive and ambitious member of the work force. Sometimes I wish I didn't need this, but I do. We don't live all that high on the hog, but I would like to stay in a house, with heat and lights, and food in the cupboard, and the ability to go the doctor when we get sick every other week like we do now. In order to do this, I need to work. Work requires focus.

5. I would like some fucking sleep please. I don't really need to explain this one, as the equation is clear. Sleep deprivation = shorter fuse and shorter life.  I need to sleep more than 3 hours in a row or I'm going to crack up and you know I am not kidding.

If there's one thing that girl has taught me is that you can ask for whatever you want, as long as you are willing to accept it and willing to let it all go.