Heavy

I have been wanting to write about my weight, and how much it bothers me and how impossible it seems to change, but then I was thinking about weight in general, mental and physical. Really, it all starts in the mind.

If I am heavy mentally, everything bogs down and nothing moves. I can't make changes when there is an elephant sitting on my motivation, choking the life out of it. When I feel like I can't change, I feel impossible and I don't take very good care of the rest of me, because it feels like "why bother". I think we all get here from time to time. I have been here many times. It's upsetting.

Before I get into a huge spin about it, I try to stop the runaway train of thought and think back to times in my life when I was able to make big changes. What did I have then that I don't have now? How can I get that back?

I think my life is all about cycles, ebbs and flows, as a wise friend once told me. These stuck places are the in-between places, the place where all the processing happens. When I'm here, my subconcious is working very hard to put the blueprint together, working up the motivation. It appears that nothing is happening but I think this is where the important stuff develops. I know that I want to do something different. Sometimes I can even identify the area that needs changing (the weight, in this case) but I don't know exactly what to do about it. What has worked before is no longer working. I need to find a new way.

The new way will reveal itself. It always does. One day I wake up and the plan is there, clear as day. If I can see it and it makes sense to me, the effort is magically there too. It requires maddening patience because it never seems to show up right when I want it to. Once it shows up, though, it's never wrong and it always leads me right where I need to be. If I let it, sometimes the results are even better than I ever thought they could be. It is a perfectly balanced recipe of patience, trust and faith.

This weight I carry on my body represents my mental weight. I am in a place that seems so heavy, but I have a hunch that it's just perspective. I just need to see it a little bit differently and that energy can flow again. I feel the undercurrent, I just need to let go of the rock. I will know the right time. I trust myself.