Daddy

Once you have kids, whether biologically or through adoption, you are a parent forever. You are tied to those kids for the rest of your life, and after you're gone, the rest of their lives. I am going to go ahead and say that the parent-child relationship is the single most important and influential relationship that you will have in your life, whether you are physically there for it or not.

I would also guess that most people are unprepared to be parents, even though I'd like to believe that once the kids are here, most people do their best to raise good people and love their kids the best they can. I don't know that there could be stats on that, but I like to believe in the goodness of people and therefore this is how I would guess that things are. Generally.

You cannot just decide you are no longer a parent and have that be ok with anyone. Kids will adapt and move on, but this leaves deep scars in them. They are always wondering what is wrong with them and why their mom or dad stopped caring for them. I know this, because it's happened to me. Twice.

My biological dad was totally unprepared for parenthood, to put it lightly. He grew up in a family where his father abandoned them, so he had no role model for fatherhood. He's a natural "free spirit" and doesn't seem to bond emotionally to anyone. He left when I was 2 1/2 and my brother was 5 months old. My mom remarried and we were adopted by our stepdad when I was 5. He didn't even show up in court to contest it, he just rambled on and had more families that he didn't take care of.

Although he was always a looming shadow growing up, we didn't really reconnect with him until our mid-20's. I see him about once every 5 years now, and it is totally awkward. I am grateful that he didn't raise me, because I think I would have been a mess. I feel like the scars have healed, but I always wonder what his deal is, and why he can't connect.

When I see him now, I can see the regret in his eyes for his mistakes, but I feel absolutely nothing. I don't blame myself anymore, now that I know the reality of the situation, but I think the emotional fallout for me was that it just made me hard. Abandonment is such a button for me, so when I think someone in any situation is about to bail, I just tell myself, "Who cares? I don't need them anyway." This maybe isn't always the healthiest reaction.

My adoptive dad was also completely unprepared to be a father, and he was only 24 when he adopted both of us, and then they had another son together. Three kids by 25 is a lot. For all of his faults and his own fucked-up childhood, I have to say that he really did try his hardest. He stuck with us through it all, until he and my mom divorced when I was 20.

We all maintained a relationship with him over the years, even though it hasn't been easy. He is manic depressive and even though I can't relate to that personally, I have come to understand what a debilitating disease that is. It can really destroy your relationships. When he's not doing well, he hides in his deep, dark, self-defeating, misery-absorbed hole and there is no torch bright enough to penetrate that darkness. We've tried, and failed.

When I got married, he asked me if he "had to" walk me down the aisle. My mom did it, because I was thinking, well if you feel that way about it, fuck no - you don't GET to. He didn't even get me a card wishing me well. He has no happiness for anyone else because he has absolutely no joy for himself. Over the last five years, he's stopped calling us on our birthdays, stopped showing up to holidays when we invite him over, and really just stopped being accessible altogether. My brother showed up to his workplace, because that's the only place you can really find him, and he said he didn't recognize him.

I know this behavior is the symptoms of his disease, but I am outraged by it all the same. There is some part of him that makes the choice just to be alone and miserable. Some part of him chooses to forget he ever knew us, or that we'd be better off without him for whatever reason. My warrior side is full of fury about it and thinks that I guess we are better off without his miserable crap. But the soft little girl in me who admires her daddy and wants him to care is just super, super sad. What a waste of a life to turn your back on the people who can never turn their backs on you, even if they wanted to.