It's a New Year

It's a new year. We're off and running. I was thinking about resolutions and there are many things I should probably accomplish this year - lose weight, get more money, be happier, yada yada yada. All noble goals, but I'm going with something else this year, something a little more general but fundamental to driving all other goals and desires.

I want to work on ridding my mind of my fear. Lofty, huh? Fear fuels anger, anxiety, failure, confusion and inaction. I want to be done with all these things. I need to conquer and destroy what is keeping me from my happy mind. This is probably going to take me longer than one short year. It might take me my whole life, but I have to get back on the path.

I've been in quite a mental slump lately, and I want out. Slumps are super uncomfortable for me because I like to set my mind on something and get on with it. Slumps are also necessary. Sometimes you have to (or be forced to) pause so that you can allow the right answers to come to the surface. Sometimes I have to shut up a little bit and tap into the wisdom around me, so I can make the right decisions. These are the in-between times, where all the real work is done.

I don't really have a methodical plan for how to get rid of fear. It's not an effort comparable to pulling a semi-truck with my body like a strong man. I think it's more of a graceful mental massage. Staying in the moment. Mindfulness. Meditation. I need to tap back into that stream because I can't survive with this wild painful mind. I need to regain my mental suppleness. I think I can do it, but I have to keep my eye on the prize, with constant vigilance.

Also, I want to go real easy on myself this year. Easier than ever. I will be more forgiving and less demanding of myself. I will sit down when I need to rest. I will get out when I need a break. I will walk and do yoga more, as a favor to my body. I will ask for help when I need it. I will break down and weep when I feel out of control, instead of saving it up for a convenient PMS excuse. I will surround myself with the people that I can safely share my happiness with, and my sadness.

I will save some energy for myself, because challenging fear is a huge feat. It's not going down easy. If I have nothing left for this battle, I'll be in this same place this time next year. This is one resolution I don't want to slip away into obscurity.

Wish me luck.