40

It is downright shocking to reach the age of 40. Honestly, I don't know where the time has gone. I feel like there's been some evolution in the continuum of my life, definitely some lessons learned and some wisdom acquired, but I still feel youthful and fresh on the inside. It just doesn't reconcile logically. How can this be?

How can my life be half, or more than half, over? I certainly don't feel half done, and I don't appreciate the thought that I could die in approximately 40 years or less. Actually, that's kind of abstract. It's not the years or the time that haunts me, it's the fact that my body and mind is already starting to break down a little bit. I can't remember things as well as I used to, I am starting to need glasses, and my body hurts in places it never has before. I don't necessarily want to live until I'm 100. I really only want to live until living becomes unbearable physically, and who knows when that will be?

It could happen soon, and it will happen sooner than I'd prefer. I am seeing my friends' parents start to pass away, my family members and friends getting cancer or other horrifying ailments or even dying. I mean, what the hell?? I always knew these things happened, but I never thought they happened to people I knew! This is unacceptable!

For women, especially, the 40's are supposed to be a time of great liberation. It's a time when we are comfortable with ourselves (supposedly), we are more confident based on our life experience, and much less tolerant of stupid crap. I can see how this could be true. I'm feeling this a little bit. I feel like I really know what's important in my life and what isn't, and that it's taken on a whole new meaning now that I'm "mature".

Also for women, it can be kind of heartbreaking to get into the 40's. Our bodies are officially too old to have babies. If we missed the window to have as many kids as we want, or any kids at all, this time could be a time of mourning. We have menopause coming up soon, and that doesn't look like any picnic. We are no longer viewed as sexy young things, and our stock goes down a little bit in the superficial media view of what is attractive. (That's a blessing in disguise anyway if you ask me. Who has time for that? I know plenty of total supermodel babes who aren't any further in the love department, despite their good genes and beautification efforts. Work with what you got so that you feel good, I say. Is that just the 40-year-old me talking?? Sorry, little tangent there.)

It's just a little scary for people in my generation to think ahead to retirement. What will that look like? Looking at the economy and the completely ridiculous shenanigans that the government continues to cook up to make themselves for comfortable but leaving out the people they are supposed to serve, will we even get to retire before we die? What kind of planning will guarantee security and comfort as an elderly, physically and possibly mentally challenged individual? Do we burden our kids with it? What if we don't have enough or any kids to burden?

These are the thoughts that rattle through my mind now, and I resent it! Can't I just be planning a theme party or playing frisbee in the park or something? I've said before, and I'll say it again because I really do believe it, life is what you make it. I'll use that positive psychology to spin this the right way, as soon as I stop spinning from the shock.