Bed Time!

It's time for a big girl bed!

 

 

 

She loves her cozy new bed, and surprisingly, it hasn't really changed her new awesome sleep habits.

 

She still sleeps all night. Well, actually, she has woken up and wanted to come into our bed once, but only to cuddle for awhile and then get back into her own bed.

 

She still gets up at the crack of dawn and yells for me. She still wants to read books, and she wants me to get them for her. She hasn't figured out that she can just get out of bed and get them herself! Kind of awesome, and very cute. When she's done reading at the top of her lungs, she will just walk right into my room to let me know she's ready for action.

 

She still naps for 2-3 hours in the afternoon. One day I heard her crying and walked in there to find her standing in the middle of the room with her blanket, half asleep, upset that the door was closed.

 

Soon she'll figure this all out and she'll get out of bed whenever she wants to. She'll also get tall enough to open the door by herself. This could open up a whole new can of worms. Until then, I'm just going to marvel at this new milestone. It's cool to see her evolve. 

Clouds on a Sunny Day

Today was a bad day. A very bad day. My job is really sucking right now. My confidence is being broken down, second-guessed and undermined. The old boys' club is alive and well, and it's such bullshit.

I am cloudy minded, off my game, and unusually emotional. I am wondering what I am worth and what all this stress is worth.  I am wondering how I can make this situation better, or if I can. Maybe I just have to suck it up and detach. I'm not a very good detacher, because doing good work means a lot to me. Maybe it should mean a little less. Maybe I should phone it in, to save my sanity. People do it all the time. I always thought I was better than that, and thus more valuable than that, but maybe I am wrong.

I don't know what to do, but maybe tomorrow will bring clarity. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe there will be some solution. Maybe I should follow my own advice, and just believe that it will all come out in the wash. It will, right?

I think that maybe I've just overstayed my welcome on this project, and maybe on this job. I need to keep my eyes open for what's next.

Photo Show

I love photography. I have gotten my hands on a fancy camera temporarily, and have been having fun just taking photos of stuff. Here are some of my favorite non-human shots:

Deception Pass Park, New Years Day 2013

A Nice Plastic Family

Day of the Dead Dude

This is what A was looking at in this post: Big Dead Man

Brass

Mom's Sewing Room

A Rainy Day at Twin Ponds Park

Springtime

All-Nighter

I don't want to jinx it, but I think we've turned a corner with the sleeping. The girl has been sleeping all the way through the night for over a week now. She goes to sleep easy and stays that way until about 5 or 6 in the morning. It's amazing.

Is it because of the blackout curtain? I don't know, but I'm keeping that thing, especially because the late evening light is coming up with summer.

I don't like getting up that damn early, but another cool thing has happened. She doesn't want to come into our bed at all. She just wants to read books in the crib, all by herself. This usually lasts for 45 min or an hour, so guess what else? Mama gets to stay in bed for awhile. This is good, good, good.

Many other positive outcomes here too. If I get myself to sleep at a reasonable hour, I can get 5 or 6 hours of solid sleep. I can't even express what a miracle that feels like, and how it improves the quality of my existence. My baby girl is maturing! And even though I have to wake up earlier, if I have some good sleep, I am motivated to get a ton of stuff done in the wee hours. Bonus! Maybe I can even start to exercise regularly!

I expect some backsliding, but now I know this is possible and I have faith that things could, possibly, return back to "normal". 

I think it might be time for a big girl bed.

Share The Road

A public service message from a friendly driver:

For the record, I am just fine sharing the road with bicycles. I love to see examples of folks reducing the carbon footprint and staying healthy. Go, riders, go!

I'm just going to say this, though. Bike riders have to follow the same rules that cars do. If you're going to ride in traffic, stop at the same stops cars do. Signal, please, when going left or right. Don't zig on and off the sidewalks - commit to one or the other. Cars aren't as agile as bikes, and if we can't anticipate where you're going to be, the results could lead to a big mess.

Let's just all agree to observe the same flow. I'll slow down for you. I'll pass you with plenty of room. I'll give you the respect that's due, so please do the same for me. We can all get along, get where we need to go, and stay alive. It's real easy.

Thanks for listening.

That is all.

Blessings

I've had an intense month. Lots of weird and uncomfortable things happening. I didn't want to cast a dark cloud over the whole internet, so I haven't posted my quota for the month, although I've had many, many thoughts.

Today seems a little lighter, and I'd like to share some things that I'm grateful for, just to spin this bus around if nothing else.

1. I am grateful for my family and friends. My little nuclear family with my sweet husband and amazing, sassy little daughter, and also for my vast and good-hearted extended family. Some people have no family at all. I have a giant, supportive family and tons of awesome, caring friends. I am fortunate beyond belief.

2. I am grateful for my old, solid and strangely patched-together house. It's not fancy, but it's mine and I'm happy to have it.

3. I am grateful for a cupboard full of food. Maybe too full of food.

4. I am grateful for my incredibly frustrating, stressful and challenging job. I work with people that I love. I am never bored. I get paid well. The work keeps on coming in, and I am improving myself every day.

5. I am grateful for my human life. I'm learning a lot, and trying to be a good person. Hopefully this will balance out the negative karma and I will be able to do something really great for all beings someday.

That's the overview. I'm looking up. The sun is shining. I think I'll go breathe some air.

I Don't Want To

I can relate to my two-year-old sometimes. Often I want to scream "NO!" and throw everything on the ground and stomp on the floor. But I don't.

All the grown-up stuff I have to do every day just gets old. Yes, I want to play, and yes, I want to dance, but I can't because I have to do the dishes, get us ready, and go to work. Followed by cooking, cleaning, laundry, more work, and bedtime. Ick. Boring and exhausting.

Work has been taking it out of me lately, more than I like to give. I'm a little stingier with my time now because of my other, more rewarding and demanding full time Mommy job. If I take a bite out of that, it all goes to hell, and also I just don't like it.

A 50-hour work week on a consistent basis feels like 100 hours, and I'm just not interested in living this way. Sometimes, you gotta get over the hump and do more work, and I'm ok with it. But I am not in the place where I can keep up with that schedule long term. And more importantly, I just don't want to.

I was just on a 36 hour trip to Atlanta for work. It's part of my job to travel, and generally I don't mind traveling, but now I just don't want to be away from my family. I also hate wasting time. If I'm going all the way to the other side of the country for meetings, I want them to be productive. I want to come home with decisions made and action items lined up like nice duckies. I want to spend only as much time there as necessary, and wasting precious time is about the worst thing ever.

I found myself in the mindset that I just don't want to be here. I don't want to do this. I don't want to hang out with a bunch of dudes that I work with but have nothing else in common with. And I don't want to get on a plane during a severe thunderstorm warning. I protest!

During this mind storm, a little nugget of wisdom came to me, and this is it:

You have to do this; you are already there. Accept it. The only ways to reconcile your circumstances are to accept it and move through it. Negotiations come later, but for now stay cool.

And also, don't make any rash decisions from this place, and don't be critical. That has always proven 100% not good.

Being on a plane during a thunderstorm is definitely not my preference, but it was the only way to get back to where I needed to be. Sometimes it doesn't really matter what you want, and there's nothing you can do about it but buckle down. And so I did.