One Wish

I'd like to send out a little prayer to my sister-in-law, Melissa. She is a Convoy Nurse in the Air Force, and she has been training all this year for deployment in Afghanistan. By the time she returns home in December, she will have been away from her family - my brother, Shelby, son Blake (14) and daughter Daisy (just turned 2), for a year.

Here is a photo of Melissa, Daisy and Arli from last summer:

This weighs heavily on me as a Mama. I have been totally stressing out about what is going to happen in July when I'm away from Arli for work for 5 days. I can't imagine the agony of being away from my baby girl for a year, especially when she is so small and doesn't know what's happening.

I know that Melissa is in the service voluntarily and she's doing what she believes in, but it really makes me sick that we are still in Afghanistan anyway. WHY WHY WHY??? I hate politics and I hate war. Maybe I'm naive and idealistic. Maybe I'm just plain ignorant.

Melissa is a tough woman, a great mother, and I admire and respect her sacrifice nonetheless. I'm going to do what I can to help my brother out. I'm going to write to her while she's gone. I'm going to pray that she comes home safely, and undamaged, and that some day her sweet kids will understand why she had to be away.

I'm going to pray that there will be a world someday without crooked politics and war, and that parents don't have to make these kind of hard decisions just to make a living. I don't know if I'll ever live to see that day, but I don't think it hurts one bit to wish for it.

I Don't See It But I Know It's There

I had this creepy dream last night, and it's unnerved me all day long.

We had rented this shit-hole apartment in New York City. My bedroom was as big as a closet. I was thinking I might paint it, but then I realized that the paint was so old that it was peeling off the walls. In fact, some of the drywall was also missing so you could just see the frame of one wall.

There was a was a small living room that we had kept tidy but everything was just old and dingy. There was a couch and a record player and some records. Arli was on the couch. There was a record on the record player. When I stepped into the room, the needle played one word on the record, in an eerie sing-song voice - "ka-boom". It did this repeatedly. I got a bad feeling and I left the room to get some space between me and whatever that voice was.

I was suddenly sure that the place was haunted and that there was a menacing sort of spirit in the room. I called Arli to come out of the room. For whatever reason, I just wouldn't go back into that room but I wanted her out of there. She hopped off the couch, staring at the record player, and ran to me.

I knew that we had to get out of that place. I quickly pondered what kind of effort it would take to pack everything back up and what it would cost to get out that day. I decided I didn't care what it took but that there was no question that we had to leave immediately.


Ok, so I thought that I had outgrown the haunted house dreams. I used to dream that I lived in these huge mansions, with 7 stories or more, and the higher up you got in the house, the more haunted the rooms were. I was always too scared to go into any of the upper rooms. Over the years, I grew more confident and bold and after awhile I was no longer afraid of any rooms in my house.

They say that dreaming about a house is like dreaming of your own emotional interior. More recently, I will actually challenge any negativity that I encounter in my dream environment. I like to think that I had conquered whatever it was that was in my emotional tapestry that had been haunting me in my life.  It is a powerful practice to train your mind in your dream world.

That's why I'm particularly bugged by this dream. This was a new place for me. The mansions at least were expansive and grand in their own way. This apartment was confining, dark and ugly. I didn't try to confront this menacing energy, and I didn't even jump in to save my baby from it, but rather I tried to get her to get herself out. What is that all about? "Ka-boom" seems like a very obvious threat. What do I need to avoid before it blows up?

I don't see any danger on the horizon but I trust myself enough to know that I will know when it's time to take action and I will know exactly what that action is.

Or, maybe, it just means nothing at all.

A Tale of the Trail

There are a couple of things around here that are no longer acceptable. One is being inside on a sunny day (or a rainy day for that matter).  She wants out. She pounds on the door with her little hands, and brings you her shoes. And once you get outside, the stroller is not acceptable for a long period of time. It's all about the legs. She wants to walk, walk, walk, and not in a polite circle in the boring old yard. It's straight for the street she goes. That's where all the action is. All the other kids play there, after all.

Well, today we had some time and we got a little creative.

First, we hit the trails:

And then, we pulled the tops off of some buttercups:

Daddy is a good walking pal:

We found these drums on a fence!

We slid the slide and squealed with excitement.

We totally ruled this day. It was so much better than playing in the street!

The Train Is On The Track

The fierce glare.
The shaking the head no for just about any reason or no reason at all.
The throwing food off the table with great force if it doesn't please her.
The standing and marching in the tub, despite the order to sit down.
The going completely limp and raising of arms so you can't pick her up, followed by extreme flailing of limbs when she doesn't want to do something.
The crumbling on the floor and weeping when she doesn't get what she wants.

They say this happens, but I was kind of hoping that I had a miracle child who would be so wonderful all the time that she would skip this stage. Ha! I'm a fool! The "terrible twos" are coming, and they're coming quick. I'm not sure how to batten down the hatches on this one, but I think I need to find out.

If this is just a preparatory phase for adolescence, I'm afraid. Very afraid.

Buddha Made Me a Better Mama

I had a very strong spiritual practice for over 10 years. I haven't been able to practice formally as much, ok, at all, since Arli was born. I really, really miss it. I still try to meditate or even move my mind toward virtue whenever I get a moment of quiet, but those moments are pretty rare. I aspire to return to my practice some day, but I have no idea when that will be. I hope that it's in this lifetime.

I am so, so grateful that I had those years to marinate my mind on a positive path. I don't know what kind of mother I would be without the lessons I learned and took deeply to heart. I truly believe that meditation made me a better person.

When I am up to my eyeballs in frustration, I can hear my Guru whispering to me "Love her more". I am reminded to think of her needs before thinking of myself. I am reminded that she is just a baby, she is new here and she really doesn't know any better. My wisdom tells me that I do know better, and I need to act like it. I am challenged to rise above what I want, to think outside of me me me. Having a baby is the ultimate exercise in giving.

When I get caught up in the activities of the day, I remember that this is all temporary and it helps me to be in the moment with whatever is going on. Some days seem to go on for years, but in reality the hours are ticking away quicker than I know. What a waste of this human life if I allow everything to feel ordinary and mundane. I am reminded to be grateful, and to make it count.

She is teaching me the most invaluable lessons of patience, compassion and wisdom. These are real-life applications of the lessons that I had been studying with the monks. This is where the rubber meets the road. Am I a patient person or not? Am I compassionate or not?  Can I use my wisdom to overcome my unhappiness, and to help teach her how to be happy? In a way, she is now my Guru.

Maybe instead of lamenting the loss of my meditation practice, I should consider motherhood my new spiritual practice. When the time comes that I am able to return to the temple, I will be all that much stronger of a practitioner because of what I'm learning now. Maybe I didn't jump off the path, it just took a very beautiful turn.